Almost Fallen

My life moves at a frantic pace these days. That comes with the territory of taking on new responsibilities. A personal sign that I moving too fast is when I start dropping the ball on things; forgetting meetings, not following through, rushing to appointments, or scrambling to arrange things. For the past month, as I have adjusted to a new schedule, I have felt like that. My human nature is inclined to attempt to handle things myself first. Why is it that I try on my own first, stumble and then ask God to get involved? I ought to begin with God and then move right? You would think that's the obvious choice but lately I have proven to myself what my true nature is. I get what Paul was talking about when he said,”...the things I don't want to do I do...” There is a constant conflict within me: going my own way vs. submission to God. Just because I am a believer doesn't mean that life is peaches and cream. Salvation actually provides another way of life that has to be chosen on a daily basis. Just like any other relationship in my life, I have to choose to allow God to be involved in my daily activities instead of expecting him to clean up the aftermath of my discrepancies. Love is work, it isn't passive.

I'm considering the cost of following/pursuing my dreams. It's much more than I imagined. Not in a way that is discouraging but in a way that calls on strength that's beyond me. I have been reminded of my limitations a lot lately. As the words of Donnie McClurkin's “Great Is Your Mercy” ministered to me this  morning I thought about how much God provides for me. Every morning, every moment and every day is a new opportunity that God is allowing me to honor him through whatever I am doing. I was going to say that every day is another chance to “get it right” but there is nothing I can do to get it right...that was already done for me on the cross. I don't know why I think I have to justify myself before God by trying to do “right things” when righteousness was already established for me through Christ? Mmmm. Having a full understanding of that fact will help me breathe easier and live this life.

So, I am letting myself off the hook and erasing the self-imposed title of Perfectionist off of my mental moniker. My mother always said to “let go of your self-consciousness and become conscious of your true self”. My true self needs to make some changes in my life and come back to what I love the most; to slow down and remember that it was the tortoise that won the race, not the hare.

Live Authentically,
G

Transference of Energy: Joy within Tears

I missed him terribly last night ("him" shall remain nameless). I've always felt it best for me to acknowledge a feeling, feel it and let it pass. Pretending as if it's not there does more harm than good to my spirit. I'm no Superwoman. I hurt, get lonely, and cry when I need to. I'm very human and very woman.
I remembered the feeling of his arms around me...his voice and laughter...remembered the scratchy feeling of his beard against my cheek when we embraced. I wanted to call...to talk...to laugh with him again. But what good would that do? That would do nothing but keep my emotions just frazzled enough to never truly move on. I don't want to remain in a place where my mind is wrought with unhealthy thoughts that keep me in state of self-pity. If I know one thing it's that the Refiners Fire is hot...and out of the heat comes the purest and most valuable substances. I thought to myself, after spending enough time gazing into space with reminiscent thoughts, “What can I do differently this time?” When past relationships have ended there is always this “mourning period” when time seems to stand still. Every moment is remembered and gets re-evaluated as if there will be answers hidden in the past as to where and why it all went so wrong. Sometimes this period lasted longer than others depending on the length and depth of the relationship. Time has always been my salve; the natural process of weeks and months passing have acted as rehabilitation. My question to myself this time is how can I use this time differently? More productively rather. Doing what I have always done and expecting different results is quite ludicrous actually. I'm interested in using this time...this circumstance in a way that will actually produce something. Instead of letting it produce whatever it wants in me, through the pain something wonderful can be created. What could that be? Mmmm...well, after all I am an artist and situations like this are the perfect breeding ground for masterpieces. Disappointments aren't always a bad thing you know. Sometimes they are just the catalyst we need to wipe the smudges off our eyes to clearly see a better way.


Live Authentically,
G

Kicking Tires and Sniffing Fruit

During a Facebook chat with a girlfriend we discussed her current romantic interests and what her views are on them (she has two...don't get me started). One thing that stuck out during all that instant messaging was her elaborate analysis of each suitor's qualifications and down sides. It made me think...what do people use to measure the quality of a person? Everyone has their own standards, some have none at all. But even if that's the case there is some point of reference that is used to make the "yay" or "nay" decision. Mmmm, I'm curious about what others use as a benchmark for their potential significant other.

Of course there are many who mentally carry around "The List" checking off the stats as they come into contact with potential mates. Then there are others who have the "whatever" mentality and could care less about quality, they just want to have fun. Whether it is family influenced, God-centered, or society driven we all have that invisible measuring rod that everyone has stood up against. Consciously or not we evaluate, break-down, analyze and assess until our brains are numb...and then we do it again.

My question to myself is what have I been using as a standard measure?

Living Authentically,
G

A New "View"

It's not a Madcap view but will have to do...

Once again I've deleted all my previous journal entries. I do this because it's not like I'm going back and reading them which means they are just taking up space on my computer. I would much rather write in a way that I will be inclined to go back and read what I have written. Keeping my journal entries in such an organized, compacted, filed-by-month-and-date type of way makes me look at them like homework assignments instead of the story of my life that they are. So here I am “starting over”, no dates, no times, no months...just words.
God has presented yet another opportunity to slow down and spend some time with him. Another unexpected snow day has brought me down to the coffee shop to read, study, and write. Normally I may have stayed home in my usual atmosphere and had this moment but lately I have been thinking about creating new routines. A friend said once that creating new habits is the beginning of change and I agree with him. Nothing will evolve in my life if I stay in the same patterns and expect different results. That's what they say insanity is right? My attempt at creating new habits has brought me out of my comfortable bubble and out in a new environment looking through a new window (well, it's not really new it's the Starbucks downtown but you know what I mean. Yeah, I had to improvise...Madcap was closed...darn snow!).

Creating rhythms for life seems to have a lot to do with time. Twice yesterday I heard the phrase, “Time is our most valuable commodity”. Managing this asset has always been a challenge. I'm so easily distracted by my mental list of things to do in a day that sometimes I don't realize when I'm misusing my time. God works in the realm of Time and how I treat it is substantial to the outcomes of my life.  How can I develop regular, repeated relationships, experiences and practices that make space for God in the busyness of my life? Without becoming legalistic, I have to take a look at my life right now. What practices do I make room for that are opening the door for closeness with God? The trick is to recognize things that may not suit the norm of how to spend time with God. The first thing that comes to mind is the book club I am a part of. Meeting with this group of ladies every Thursday morning at 6:30 a.m. (yes, you heard it right...) has opened a window in my mind and let in a fresh wind of thought that I have never experienced. Another way comes through the realization that when I write I am in tune with my most inner self and that makes me closer to God. These unconventional ways of continual conversation with God makes for a richer relationship than the experience of simply going to church once a week. Well, at least for me. One practice I am beginning to incorporate into my life is the habit of mental and spiritual preparation. I have been a runner since my freshman year of college; running is a big part of my life. Other than the obvious physical benefits it's a time of meditation and clarity which rewards my mental state. Preparing my mind for the day is equally, if not more important than physically preparing my body. So I have come up with my own personal Rule for Life: "Get your body right. Get your mind right". This is what I repeat to myself every morning. As I create a habit of this “rule” , in time, under no circumstance can it be broken. I experienced this fact when I was in college. I told myself that regardless of what happened, quitting school was not an option. I gave myself the option of taking less classes or perhaps not taking summer courses in order to work but quitting was not an option to be weighed. Getting that in my mind early on eliminated a lot of worry and created the tenacity I needed to graduate in 3 ½ years...in a 4+ year program. I'm not saying this as if it's easy, no real change ever is. However, my past experiences have given me confidence in knowing that if God has brought me through it once, there is hope for the future.

I had a precious moment with one of my students last week. He's going through a break-up with his girlfriend and he's pretty messed up about it. Even though he is only a teenager this was very real for him and a huge part of his life. I could have shrugged it off as two kids in “puppy love” but that would have meant minimizing his feelings and making him feel insignificant. And that's not my intention as a teacher. In that moment I realized how my recent experience created the space for me to be able counsel this hurting young man. I learned how our experiences, no matter how painful, are not in vain. I was able to be compassionate and not cynical. You know, you can still be the grown up without hammering down the gavel of judgement on these kids. Besides, he wasn't looking for me to tell what to do, he just needed someone to listen. There have been times when I needed someone to listen..just be there, you know? But when we can't have what we want it's important to be that exact thing for another.  I'm glad to have had the chance to take my past heartache and turn it into someone else's healing....which in turn is healing for me even more.

The Unspoken Word

My brother, Chaz, prepared dinner for his wife last night. After a day's work what better treat to come home to. My sister, LaToya (we'll just call her Master Chef of the South), can "burn" in the kitchen like no other woman her age I have ever come across! Oh it's that serious trust me. If I visit ATL and don't really want to go anywhere because I would rather wait for her to come home and cook...you know you have a chef in your midst!

I'm not sure what his signature dish turned out to be but it turned out quite colorful and well presented at that!

 The same time my brother was in the kitchen in his home in Atlanta, our folks prepped dinner together last night here in GR. I thought that was a very sweet way to spend Valentines Day; a shared moment to express love and appreciation. Fortunately I was able to step in this moment right when the food was done..oh how delectable it was!

Both of these moments made me think about how much our actions play a part in our love relationships. A simple meal or the act of helping can go miles farther than a quick dose of roses and chocolates. And I'm not just talking about relationships with a spouse or significant other but with friends, extended family, etc.

I spent Valentines Day out with my girlfriends enjoying jazz, wine and an all around good vibe. Granted my vibe was temporarily interrupted by the unexpected intrusion of my very recent "ex" waltzing into my happy place (..with a Valentine's Day date to boot). Yeah...nice. It was one of those moments that I was glad I was with people who love me and I love; you need support when things like that occur. I went on to enjoy the rest of my evening despite the lurking thoughts in my head of the two of them sharing that moment together and the possibility of whatever may have occurred later on in the night. (And of course women always check out the other woman and think to ourselves, "Seriously?! Really?! I mean..come on!")When I awoke this morning I gave myself two options, (1) dwell on what happened last night all day long, let it steal my peace of mind and put me in a perpetual state of Pissed Off or (2) let it go and realize that his choice doesn't determine my personal value, worth, and beauty. I choose the latter. You know, I can't control what anybody decides to do. And sometimes things cross my path that are unexpected and make me think, "What the *&^$!" But I can control how I handle a situation.

I feel like using this occurrence as an opportunity to get closer to God and get some things worked out in me that need changing. Some things you just don't have the emotional capacity to handle alone. I'm thanking God for the promise of his ever present strength right now. It's not always about what I feel I want to say but rather what needs to be quietly spoken to me.

Living Authentically,
G

Saturday Morning

Feeling a little tired physically but mentally alert today. It was a good thing to have stayed home last night instead of hanging out with the girls. Even though I stayed home I stayed up later than what I wanted to...you know we do that...it was good to be in the pj's and not out on the town. We need that more than we think; the unwind time. It's so easy to go from one thing right to the next without even breathing in between.  But that's not how I want to live life, just bouncing around and not fully engaging in the moment.
I'm getting in the groove of my folks living with me. My mom was up until after midnight "nesting" in the kitchen. Imaging combining all your kitchen stuff with someone else's and trying to make due with the space you have available. I was hearing the clanking of pots and pans until the wee hours of the night! Yeah, my sleep was a bit disturbed but now that my home is their home too it's important that they feel as comfortable as possible. And if that means staying up late to get things situated in a way that is comfortable for them then it's okay for me to lose a little sleep over that.
I learned last night how important it is to choose your battles. Micromanaging the situation of living with my parents will make for a very uncomfortable environment.  It will take some time for things to get settled and I can't get all fussy about things not being in order right now. It's more of an adventure to just let things be and see how everything will unfold. Besides, coming home to a home-cooked meal by your mom can diffuse any issue!
Speaking of food (one of my fave things) I am reminded of a nice evening of food and good conversation I recently had with a good friend. Nothing like ending your day with a pecan tart and coffee from Marie Catrib's .

pecan tart from Marie Catrib's

 It's good to have a variety of friends; some that like to hang out and some that like dinner at home, some that enjoy road trips and others that are into book clubs and politics.
It all keeps my life spicy!

Marco enjoying a scrumptious plate of Sandmann's

...this was my plate, all my vegetarian-ism went out the window that night! It was all worth it!

Choose Your Own Adventure

I'm beat from a week of emails and phone calls, meetings and lesson plans and too many cold trips to the bus stop to even think about. This week was particularly crazy and I felt pretty scatterbrained to say the least. Yesterday I felt myself getting snippy with my co-workers...and they sensed it. That's when I knew I was getting off my rocker; when you get an attitude with folks you love for no reason it's time to step back, shut your mouth and do a self-check. That's exactly what I am doing tonight. Instead of a night out with the girls, I'm taking a much needed break from socializing. Even though I am missing out on some good old fashion networking and possibly a few classic moments of hysteria...I think (I hope) my girls will understand.

Now THIS is how to chill!

The implementation of a new schedule and responsibilities took its toll on me this week. So much so that I felt an un-welcomed sense of frustration and even resentment toward my new found duties. Where in the heck did this come from? It is interesting how we hope and pray for God to bless us and then because of irresponsibility and poor management we resent the very thing we prayed for. How small minded of me to think that greater responsibility would not bring with it greater challenges. I am being pulled into an arena that requires greater practices of time-management, deeper levels of creative thinking and most importantly assurance of my position and purpose. Can my little human mind even comprehend all of that?! Well, the great thing is that I don't have to figure it out all on my own. I have a great God on my side.
I don't feel adequate or qualified for what lies ahead of me. This isn't a self-esteem issue but more like a recognition of my human limitations. There comes a point, and that time is now for me, that you have to come to grips with your own finite abilities; when you meet yourself where you are now, not in the mystical, idealized place we all envision. This is the place where you take a deep breath and take a good long look at the State of Yourself. If you don't like what you see...change it. The opportunity of self-examination is not one to be taken frivolously nor acted on in thought alone. Any good opportunity starts with a thought and is followed by an action. Fortunately I get this opportunity often! (lol) I feel the difference now is that I'm interested in actually changing my actions/behaviors, not just thinking about changing.
I am not in this place alone, thankfully. God is with me. It's been a bumpy road this week, I don't have it all figured out (thank God that's not my job) but I am getting stronger and definitely growing from all of this. I feel like everyone has a choice to make in regard to what kind of life they will live. Life doesn't choose for us, we choose how we will live. No matter what our circumstances, the gift of free will and choice is always at our disposal. That's the awesome thing about God; he didn't create robots when he made us. We all have the ability to choose how we will live. I choose life...and love.

Live Authentically,
G

The Italian Gentleman

I heard a pretty cool quote this morning..."Wisdom always chooses now what it will be satisfied with later on." (Joyce Meyer). I can relate to that sentiment this afternoon as I'm processing the aftermath of an unexpected early morning conversation. I recently shared about a situation that I decided to "bow out gracefully" of. Well, it came back around this morning around 8:30. You know, when you write those "Dear John" emails you never expect "John" to respond...but he did. And the boxer/briefs were all in a bunch I tell you! In the beginning at least and as we talked we were able to resolve our differences ammicably. Usually before those type of conversations go down I've rehearsed what will be said at least 3-4 times...but dude caught a sista off guard with the 8am, I'm-about-to-go-there-on-you, phone call. After I was able to gain my bearings and get my courage up, I realized that if anything was left to be said, now is the time. What came next was yet another surprise. This gentlemen proceeded to express his feelings and emotions clearly and eloquently. Without a trace of cynicism in his voice he elaborated on our past, his thoughts and reactions to my behavior and his own, as well as how the situaion had an effect on his life. He was mature with his emotions, attentive in listening and respectful of the decision that was made (darn him for making himself more attractive). Women can spend a lot of time talking about the kind of partner they wish they had or are looking for; what their current partner is not doing and what they wish they were doing. I can say that, this morning, I experienced a rare moment. And that is having a moment of mutual expression, apologies and forgiveness, listening ears all with an undercurrent of love. It was refreshing to resolve something with a past love..I mean actually resolve something and not be left feeling more emotionally drained then when the conversation began.
I'm taken back to the quote from this morning about wisdom. The decision that was made was with the idea of future self-preservation. My peace was on the line and anything that disturbs my inner sanity is grounds for dismissal. As hard as the decision was I had to keep a very important goal in the forefront of my mind: maintain peace of mind with all soundess and diligence. I can already sense the payoff.

Live Authentically,
G

Grace Within Reach

It's a tough pill to swallow when a girl realizes she's been settling; not just with men but in other areas of life as well. The act of settling has a funny trickle down effect. If there is one area of negative compromise in life another one is probably not too far off.
I recently shared about a situation with a man that I had to let go of. That "letting go" process is still well..processing. I think the longer you have been with someone the longer it may take to move on from it. Reality hit me yesterday that this particular gentleman and I are not in the same place in life and that's probably the reason why I find myself frustrated often. There were red flags long ago but I made the classic mistake of thinking he would change and "come around". Big mistake. Things between us have not evolved the way I had hoped, it's been a year that we've been doing this dance and it's time to bow out gracefully. It's hard for me to do that because I had such high hopes for this particular situation. Something about the one-year milestone has put me in a place of reflection and analysis. Which I think is fair. I mean, I have to ask myself questions like, "What has happened in the past year?" "Have we grown in a positive or negative direction?" "Is this relationship building me up or tearing me down?". If I don't take a moment to assess the condition of the relationship and my role in it then it turns into just floating through life and merely existing with someone instead of sharing and enjoying life with someone.
On top of all that there was another situation looming in the background. There was another guy I had held interest in for the last couple of years that showed his true colors yesterday also. (We all have a "reserve" on stand-by...don't be so shocked). Come to find out all this dude wanted was sex and he wasn't afraid to share that with me. I was shocked! I'm about to be 32 years old and I felt like a teenager in high school having a conversation with a boy asking if he could "hit it"...it was utterly ridiculous! It was one of those moments when you shake your head and say to yourself, "I can't believe I'm having this conversation right now!?" ...and then you let out a very deep sigh as you come to the realization that no matter what it takes, settling is not an option. You tell yourself you're worth more than a half-ass relationship with someone who is only willing to give pieces of himself and another someone who is overly occupied with sex and just wants a fling. No matter how insanely gorgeous they both are...

Coming to the truth about these situations has made the last few days pretty rough emotionally. Not only dealing with their actions toward me but also looking inward and realizing that there are flaws in me that contribute to these situations. However I am strengthened by knowing that I have been through worse and seen the other side of it. Not only that, I came out of the fire refined and more valuable. Situations have a tendency to do that to us; push us to our limits where we have no where else to go but to God when actually we should have began with God in the first place. It will take some time for me to build healthy attractions to worthy men. Being drawn to the unavailable ones for so long has given me a bent toward a certain type. But I am ready to change my "taste" and experience a new flavor. As I take the first small step in a new direction I know that grace is within reach to meet me.

Live Authentically,
G

Sitting The Bench

I'm a little emotionally worn out with the idea of men and dating right now. But I refuse to be a bitter woman, making the next soul pay for the mistakes of the previous. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm a decent woman...why is it so difficult to find a man who wants to give just a little of himself? I'm not asking for a ring here. I simply want a guy to be willing to share of his time and space...just a little. I can see the dilemma some men may run into with overbearing women who want to monopolize all of their time and throw a title on the situation 5 minutes after meeting. Or the opposite type who can't make up their mind about whether to be “just friends” or take it further. I get it. I have probably experienced the gamut of scenarios in relationships. And I must admit that in this moment, I'm pretty pissed about it. Not at all men, don't get me wrong I'm not a man-hater. I'm just feeling the twinge of unmet desires. But like I said earlier I'm not about being bitter, I am going to use this opportunity to get better.
My relationship history hasn't exactly been a walk through a rose garden. There have been a few serious relationships including an engagement. There have been moments of genuine love and romance. Times when I felt like a man makes me want to be a better woman. And other times I have felt like I was drowning in despair; aching to get out of a situation I helped create. I have learned a lot over the years and I definitely don't point my finger outward and blame the world for my past hurts. I was in the relationships and played a part in the demise of them all. At the same time I still have hope.
I hope to grow into a maturity that doesn't get so unraveled when things don't go my way. To be okay to be told “no” and not hang my value on whether or not a love interest reciprocates. I hope for a partner who is able to be fearless in love, take the risk of rejection and find strength in being vulnerable. I think my hopes are attainable and I find God in the midst of it all.

So my journey begins here. Not as a black cloud over the idea of love and relationships but as a starting point of coming to myself. To accept myself as I am now and work toward change while enjoying life along the way. I can't wait any longer. The thought of waiting for a man to “come around” makes me feel like I'm drowning. The reality is if someone is not able to recognize the gift inside someone else then that same gift will be passed along for another to discover.

Time for some magic to happen!

My nephew and niece strikin' poses!...oh yeah..