Sitting The Bench

I'm a little emotionally worn out with the idea of men and dating right now. But I refuse to be a bitter woman, making the next soul pay for the mistakes of the previous. I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm a decent woman...why is it so difficult to find a man who wants to give just a little of himself? I'm not asking for a ring here. I simply want a guy to be willing to share of his time and space...just a little. I can see the dilemma some men may run into with overbearing women who want to monopolize all of their time and throw a title on the situation 5 minutes after meeting. Or the opposite type who can't make up their mind about whether to be “just friends” or take it further. I get it. I have probably experienced the gamut of scenarios in relationships. And I must admit that in this moment, I'm pretty pissed about it. Not at all men, don't get me wrong I'm not a man-hater. I'm just feeling the twinge of unmet desires. But like I said earlier I'm not about being bitter, I am going to use this opportunity to get better.
My relationship history hasn't exactly been a walk through a rose garden. There have been a few serious relationships including an engagement. There have been moments of genuine love and romance. Times when I felt like a man makes me want to be a better woman. And other times I have felt like I was drowning in despair; aching to get out of a situation I helped create. I have learned a lot over the years and I definitely don't point my finger outward and blame the world for my past hurts. I was in the relationships and played a part in the demise of them all. At the same time I still have hope.
I hope to grow into a maturity that doesn't get so unraveled when things don't go my way. To be okay to be told “no” and not hang my value on whether or not a love interest reciprocates. I hope for a partner who is able to be fearless in love, take the risk of rejection and find strength in being vulnerable. I think my hopes are attainable and I find God in the midst of it all.

So my journey begins here. Not as a black cloud over the idea of love and relationships but as a starting point of coming to myself. To accept myself as I am now and work toward change while enjoying life along the way. I can't wait any longer. The thought of waiting for a man to “come around” makes me feel like I'm drowning. The reality is if someone is not able to recognize the gift inside someone else then that same gift will be passed along for another to discover.

Time for some magic to happen!

My nephew and niece strikin' poses!...oh yeah..