Revelations of a Single Woman Part 1

(At Madcap Coffee Company, downtown Grand rapids...looking out of the window...a spectacular fall afternoon)

Now that I have publically expressed my views on the pressures of society concerning how we ought to behave in relationships, love, marriage,work etc. I thought why not examine and express how I feel about living as a single Christian woman…I mean reeeeally examine it. For years I have tinkered around with the idea of intentionally remaining single. I can remember a conversation with my mom in my very early 20’s, when she expressed that I shouldn’t ignore the feeling inside me that doesn’t want to marry. Recently she told me that if I decide to marry she will be happy but if I decide not to she will be happy as well. I don’t think I was mistaken to notice emphasis in her voice on the latter.


When I think about my life, where it is and where I am going, I’m constantly questioning the position and role of a husband. I believe in marriage and have wonderful examples in my life of great marriage relationships (and not so great ones too). I am a firm believer in the covenant agreement between a husband, a wife and our Creator within the context of marriage. I don’t question whether or not it is possible to be with one person, if I can commit and be content or if I fear losing my identity and voice. None of this is true for me. What I question, what lies in the core of my being, is not do I want to be married but will a marriage relationship allow God to accomplish through two people what could not be done through one? In my opinion, marriage should have a purpose. Love simply isn’t enough for me to commit my entire existence to another flawed human being. Are there things that God wants to accomplish through my life that can only be done through a marriage? If so then I can accept the call. However, if I am able to complete the work set before me surrounded, supported and uplifted by my community (family, close friends, etc) as a single woman serving God then I accept that call as well. Either way it is a win-win situation but personally, at this time in my life, I'm leaning toward the latter.

I don’t doubt the omnipotence of God, whether or not He needs me to accomplish any of his purposes. God could choose a rock to accomplish all he needs if he so decided. But He loves me enough to entrust me with gifts to reach others for his glory and to imprint his message on the hearts of his children. Within that design, I have a choice. There are no robots in the kingdom of God and Christianity is not a passive practice. There is power within my choice. With that being said I can (a) moan and cry about being single and read every “lady in waiting” book I can find (which I loathe by the way…what the heck am I waiting for? Am I not complete in Christ NOW?! ) or (b) leverage the asset of being single at this time of my life to fully devote my attention to what God has arranged for me. The final option would be to be completely indifferent about the whole matter and avoid all responsibility about making any decision. At some point I have to come to grips with how I really feel, embrace it and give it room to grow. If not now, when?

So, I embark on a journey that will take me...well, I have no idea where it will take me. What I know and what I have peace in is moving forward in a direction that has pounded in my heart for years. However I end up, single or married, will be my choice and God's design and not driven by the small minded, cookie cutter mentality of society. The important thing is to remember that life is happening now! It doesn't start when I meet my "prince" or start making a ton of money; when I finally travel to another country or sell my first $10,000 piece of art (which will happen by the way...). Life is moving, breathing, and flowing all around me, singing its song of beauty and redemption with every rising sun. "Waiting is a verb" as my good friend Sharon says and I plan on living with a lot more purpose these days.

Authenticity Arising

It’s funny how long we can go without being are true selves. Most folks don’t even know what that means or who they really are to begin with. There are masks we all wear and persona's we take on in certain atmospheres all for the sake of acceptance and comfort. I feel the most myself during the time I spend with God alone. There are no expectations, no judgments, not a right or wrong way to be. I can be me and that is accepted.


This morning I had a beautiful time of worship through song. In that moment I had a sense of who and what I truly am. I am child of God. I am a broken believer navigating this life on earth; sometimes I’m good sometimes I’m not. I’m learning not to get caught in the web of condemnation and also not to attempt, in my own logic, to pick myself up. Actually relying on and believing in the strength and love of God is a powerful act; a decision that can save weeks, months, and even years of time spent on trying to “fix” myself. I’m learning a different way of how to be with God at this stage of my life. I am a different person than I was 5 years ago and will continue to change in time.

What has been most profound lately has been admitting to myself what I really want and what is most important. The other day I was talking with a friend about a situation in my life involving a guy I have been seeing. I expressed to her my tendency to tell myself that I don’t know what I really want when it comes to dating and relationships. Telling myself that kind of acts as a scapegoat for decision making. If I don’t know what I want then there is no need to come to a decision about anything…just let it be or “hang out” as we call it. The truth is I know exactly what I want. My issue doesn’t lie in the not knowing, it’s settling for less. To allow yourself to deviate from what you want when your vision is clear is to introduce compromise and welcome all kinds of frustrations. The truth always trumps.

Step by step and moment by moment I am getting to know myself. Coming to the point of embracing the good and bad, the politically correct and the uncomfortable, and the fact that I’ve always been much different than most women around me is quite exciting! There are things about me that will never be normal according to the standards of our society. But who wants to use society as a gauge for normalcy anyway?! I’m perfectly fine being the odd duck. Or maybe it’s us odd ducks that folks should pay more attention to.

G

I woke up this morning feeling attracted to peace. I’m intrigued by a life of simplicity. Not having my cell phone for the past week (and one day) has definitely played into this feeling. Life will naturally bring many interruptions and trials; confusion, frustration and uncontrollable circumstances. But within all of that can be a nucleus of peace. If any desire within me to work hard at something that will improve my character exists it is this: to seek peace at all costs.

I’ve reached a breaking point…well, almost breaking point. Actually it’s more like a demarcation line between sanity and balance, frivolous activities and actual productivity. The root of it is lies within my need to pursue my passion and give God glory through my lifestyle and choices. I haven’t been doing such a good job of that lately. I’ve never considered myself as a “keep up with the Jones” type in terms of chasing after material possessions. Perhaps my obsession has been with chasing the idea of “having it together”. I don’t really know what “it” is but I have associated “it” with always being on top of things, never forgetting  and being extremely organized at all times. I’ve felt as if living this way would bring me peace because it would mean that everything in my life was always in order. I suppose I have associated confusion and frustration with a lack of organization. So if I was ever frustrated about anything then that must mean there must be something I didn’t take care of, something slipped through the cracks of my day planner. What a crock…(laughing at myself). The realization of self is a funny thing.

This type of thinking brought on a tremendous amount of guilt and inability to enjoy life. I felt guilty if I didn’t do all I felt I was capable of within a 24 hour period. Even if I was completely exhausted and could hardly form a complete thought, I always thought about what I could or should be working on.  This is not a fun existence let me tell you! But it was all I knew…the only way I knew how to operate.

It took several extreme situations within a very short period of time to get me to stop , think and reevaluate;  a car fire that threatened my personal safety and my house (my dad’s car caught on fire on the street in front of my house about 5 yards from my front door…full tank of gas…yeah),  and the death of my grandmother and close friend within 2 weeks of each other. When things of that magnitude happen, back to back, everything changes. I can now understand the inability to return to normal life after experiencing a tragic incident. Like when soldiers come home after being deployed or a child being shuffled back and forth after a divorce. Normal life is no longer normal. I am in the process of rediscovering my own life.

A huge part of this rediscovery process is letting go. Also the realization that every decision made will be tested. It won’t be easy and honestly I don’t want it to be. Anything that is valuable is worth hard work and effort. Things in my life will change indefinitely for the better through this process of simplifying my life. The pursuit of peace is, in light of God’s Truth,  actually no pursuit at all. What I desire is already inside of me; freely given to me and accessible to me at any time.

I’m not blind to this anymore…my eyes are wide open now.