An afternoon latte topped with a little honesty

So this is supposed to be a "blog about my life" right? I suppose that means I have to be transparent...vulnerable...(gasp) open . Actually I can write about whatever I please and give people the perception of me that I create for them. That's the complexity of blogs, social networks, etc., you can be whoever you please no matter how false it actually is. I could choose to create a certain persona and play that out in words and pictures. It would be kind of like an alternate reality for me...like my own personal wonderland. However I would rather just be me. No matter how bland, uninviting, or unconventional my thoughts and experiences may be to someone else, I would rather live out of truth than perception. So here I go into the land of "honesty". No cute anecdotes, shallow commentaries or false pretenses. Just me...here and now.

This morning I invited a friend over for breakfast. We enjoyed waffles, eggs and good conversation. This particular friend was someone I dated briefly about a year and a half ago. Our dating experience didn't progress into much and we have remained friends ever since. Which is a good thing because this business of hating your ex is ludicrous to me. It requires much energy to be bitter and unforgiving and my exes are way to cute to be mad at! Seriously though, I would rather spend my energy on forgiveness and rebuilding a friendship than keying some one's car. Anyways, back to the breakfast. Even though we remained friends he was one of those guys I kept a question mark next to in my mind. I've wanted to know if anything could progress between us. So one day I asked him. (I know you tremble at the thought of even mentioning to the object of your affection your attraction but it's actually quite liberating). He told me that at this time in his life he wasn't in "relationship mode" and if he pursued anything further than a friendship he would probably f%*k it up. I accepted his honesty and moved on. Well, my mind moved on but my body couldn't get past his hotness. Breakfast this morning revealed his mutual attraction to me and the water was tested. What I discovered was that I was more interested in keeping him as my friend than turning him into a "friend with benefits".( Of course my hormones wanted to choke me for turning down someone who's level of "sexy" is a 10...I'm not kidding he's like freakin' 20!!) Even as I sit here now I'm thinking, "Are you sure? You can call him RIGHT NOW!" As tempting as that is, and believe me it is, I just can't get past that inner voice telling me not to pursue it. Because in the end that's all it would be:sex. I would rather have a lifetime of lasting memories than a short period of time we rolled in between the sheets. Call me old fashion but I'm just cut from a different cloth.
So today I learned that (1) I always have a choice, (2) I actually can exercise self-control if I want to and (3) I'm thinking about the after effects of my choices much more that I realized. This situation truly tested me because I have been attracted to this individual for a long time. But what matters to me most has outweighed temporary satisfaction and I find that to be a sign of growth.


Living Authentically,
G

Bathroom Revelations

I seem to have the most profound thought when in the bathroom (and the kitchen). I have no idea why sitting on the toilet provokes such clarity. Just a moment ago, while on the toilet, I reflected on a conversation I had with a friend last night. He was talking about a photographer who he admired and how he would like to emulate his work in a photo shoot. The work was full of bold colors and complex compositions, very energetic work. He further described his idea for what he wanted to accomplish. I thought about how I would react if I were approached with that kind of idea from a client. It forced me to examine my perception of certain artistic styles. Then it helped me think about my own work and how I would interpret a certain subject matter. What's good about having those conversations is that it helps me in my process of knowing myself as an artist. The conclusion I came up with is this: there is a quality of subtlety in art that I am drawn to. When a subject matter is portrayed so blatantly and literally it doesn't entice me. However, what does intrigue me is when an artist doesn't give me the entire meaning up front but allows me the opportunity to interpret for myself; the Subtlety Factor. At the same time there is a balance of subtlety that has to take place in order for me to stay involved. If an artist is too abstract and I can't extract any meaning whatsoever I get lost and uninterested. And then sometimes there is this way artists have about them that is trying too hard to be abstract and the work turns into a jumbled mess. I think that may be typical of an artist who is still trying to find their voice or trying to keep up with trends rather than be true to who they are.

The end of the matter is knowing yourself and trusting that voice within that speaks to the essence of you. Ignoring that and becoming a follower dilutes the truth of who we are as individuals and saturates our world with clones instead of authenticity.
                  
...amazing what a good trip to the bathroom with bring out of me...(hee hee)

Quotes and Coffee

I tried a Cafe Miel yesterday for the second time. This delectable treat is a latte with honey and cinnamon. The first time I had one the barista made one by accident and gave it to me because she knew I was a latte lover. One sip and I was sold! At this particular cafe they serve it in a smaller cup size than my first experience but it was just as pleasant. At first I thought, "What's with the baby cup?!" But after taking the first sip I realized that my greedy eyes do me no justice and the size was perfect. Usually I am the type who will get the same drink...same dish every time I go somewhere but I am in to trying new things lately. Which is exciting because it's like everything is a mini surprise! I enjoyed this new experience during a break I took yesterday afternoon. I was emphatically reminded by my sister that I NEED to take breaks and time for myself. I'm the biggest advocate of R&R but sometimes it's me who needs to take my own advice. As she pleaded with me last night to partake in a family vacation, I thought, "Am I one of those people who don't know how to take a vacation?" My co-worker would testify to the fact that I never use all my vacation time which ultimately leads to burnout. But I always seem to find a reason to work. Which isn't something I say proudly because rest is as much a part of life as working. And when I get to the point where I feel like my eyeballs are oozing out of my head because of all the time I have been staring ay my laptop clearly something is out of balance. Although I have a ways to go I have to give myself credit for being better than I used to be in terms of staying balanced.

The snowflakes are falling along with the tempurature. Too bad Swiss Miss upsets my stomach otherwise I would be stirring it up right now!

I'll end with a couple good quotes I came across yesterday while waiting in line for my Cafe Miel...

"I Never Have a Boring Day"..."I Require More"...two quotes I can relate to...well said!

Caribbean food to spice up a Monday

If anyone knows me they know first hand my love of food. When I got in the office this morning I came across a menu from a new Caribbean spot, Chez Olga, that has opened up near my job. I'm pretty much going to go down the menu and try everything!

Fried plaintains, creole style tilapia, gumbo...YUM!
I should just move in and take cooking lessons. Good thing I run because I would be in serious trouble if I didn't burn off all this good eating!

Songs that move

Well, the iron-deficiency got the better of me yesterday afternoon and evening. I could do no more than lay on the couch under my Snuggie (those things are friggin awesome!). The up side of taking some time to rest is that I had the chance to watched a powerful documentary called Soundtrack for a Revolution .
The film captured the melodies and lyrics that were birthed from the struggles and experiences of the Civil Rights Movement. Sung by contemporary artists like John Legend and The Roots, the film provided a window into a past, my generation will never see, through songs and music. These "old soul" songs juxtaposed with artists like Angie Stone and Mary Mary proved that even though that particular time in our history is over the spirit and power of the song live on and still carry the weight of the movement.
Something else that I sensed as I was watching is how disconnected this generation has become from a lack of remembrance. A 90 minute film opened my eyes (or re-opened) to all that has been done for me by my previous generations. And I felt a responsibility to always remember what has been done and who I am. It also reminded me of the cost and requirements of leadership. Two that come to my mind immediately are (1) not being concerned with the "norm" and (2) becoming bold in the skin you're in.

A song was sent to me by a colleague and it took me back to the simplicity of loving who God made me and not being timid about my purpose in life. It's not a current hit but it's okay to dig back and remember those songs, experiences and moments that define us.


Go 'head India girl!

Weekend notes, Thanksgiving, and other things...

Since returning from Dallas a little more than a month ago some things in my life have become "un-foggy" or more clear rather. One of those things is the way I spend my time and energy. This has always been important to me but in light of my grandmothers recent stroke I have come to the resolve that there is a simplicity of life that far outweighs the false importance of the "hustle and bustle". Because of this recent epiphany my thoughts have shifted quite dramatically to what actually matters the most. One of those things is family.

A snapshot of 2 generations in my family

So many things I concern myself with; work, decisions, "to-do" lists, etc. But as I watched my grandmother laying in the hospital bed, mesmerized by the sound of her breathing accompanied by the rhythmic beeping of various monitors... something in me shifted. In the weeks that followed it seemed as if God peeled away a layer of me that was preoccupied with society's standards of living and brought me back to the true relevance of life: humanity.

I spent my Thanksgiving time with my parents, two sisters and 9 of my nieces and nephews.

Who you takin' a picture of?

With the aromas coming from the kitchen, little ones running about, and lots of relaxing happening, Thanksgiving time was absolutely warm and yummy!

Movin' and Shakin'

Yesterday was a revelation day, I will never forget that. Okay so maybe the sky didn't crack and the Spirit of the Lord didn't exactly descend like a dove and give me a “Thus said the Lord...” but He sure spoke loud and clear. And I listened. It was as if every conversation I had was filled with some sort of revelatory goodness of how God was moving in the lives of my friends. Their encounters with God weaved its way into my heart and touched at the center of my very situation in a way I could not ignore. It was amazing to say the least. A lot of times I wait for God to show up in these over the top ways; ways I can't ignore and I will know exactly what to do or what direction to take. That's my rendition of how God moves. Though He works in the big miracles still, it's the small unseemingly things that we take for granted that He moves in all the time. I heard a pastor say, “God takes the ordinary of our everyday lives and makes something extraordinary”. That was so true for me yesterday. He used ordinary conversations with friends I talk to all the time and turned them into extraordinary vessels for His glory. There was so much poured into me last night I think I woke up with a spiritual hangover. My reality right now is that God is moving in my life. The crazy part for me is that I have no idea what will happen next. Being the planner that I am I'm ready to fill my calendar with tasks and duties to get this show on the road. But God says, “My ways are higher than your ways...my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” It's time for me to put down the day planner, throw away my to-do list, fire the “control freak” in me and be a passenger on this ride. There will be a lot of work and responsibilities ahead of me but Philippians 4:13 takes care of that...this is about to be fun!

PeaceTakers vs PeaceMakers

Why is it that when I am in San Chez I feel so good about life? Is it the fact that the food is so good? Or that I am treating myself? Or that I can treat myself without worrying about what bill isn't paid or that I won't be able to do this again for a really long time? It is a mixture of all three I'm sure. One thing I can thank my grandmother for is her passing on fiscal responsibility to me. I have to admit I'm not always as disciplined as I would like to be and don't make as much as I would like at the moment but I'm content. More than that actually...pretty damn joyful! I'm able to have moments like this and thoroughly enjoy them which is a blessed thing.

baked goat cheese in a "bath of tomato sauce" as the waitress said

A friend recently mentioned that he wanted to find a partner by the time he was 30. It's a normal human compulsion to want a mate/companion but what's with people putting an age requirements on certain aspects of life? And tell me this, why is 30 always the magic number of when to accomplish things like marriage and kids?! As if 30 is the gateway to the land of doom and every year following will begin a downward spiral to decrepit-ness ( I say this because I am 31 and feel great!).  Okay so "they" say after 30 your physical body begins this shift into accelerated deterioration but come on, that's no reason to jump start the walk down the aisle or start picking out baby names. Just change a diaper or babysit for a few hours.It will bring you back to reality, trust me.


This same friend of mine also suggested that I do whatever I need to do in order to maintain peace in my life. In his words, "...stay away from whatever is going to work against you". Well said. As he was counseling me and allowing me to vent (these are the best friends) on a certain subject, which is typically dating and relationships, I realized his simple advice made a lot of sense. There are times when my curiosity gets the best of me and I have to remember that whatever environment I create for myself is the one I have to live in. I prefer the San Chez moments, conversations with a friend over coffee or talking with peers about how to save the world through mentoring (okay...so I'm a little partial to the mentoring program at my job and we had a really good meeting tonight). However, the moments of tension bring about growth and I can't overlook or avoid those. So instead of viewing a particular situation as frustrating and negative I think I will look at it as an opportunity to grow and maintain the peace in my life.

Gathering Leaves

My shoulder is still the pain from an afternoon of raking and bagging leaves yesterday. I must admit that because I'm still a newlywed homeowner I actually enjoy doing things like that; it makes me feel good to take care of my little house. I suppose as the years go by I'll get over that and want to hire someone else to do it.  I hope not though. I hope to hold on to that feeling and find joy in the doing the grunt work. It is a lot of leaves I'll tell you that! I have to do it section by section in order to get it done. So today it continues

It was interesting how this task put me in a meditative state and opened up my mind to think about things. I felt like I was on a boat out on a lake fishing with an old friend talking about life. Mostly silence with sporadic interjections of wisdom and information. Not that I am a fisher, I have yet to worm a hook, but I suppose that's what it's like out there. I thought about how God uses the natural things all around us to explain how life works. If we would pay attention we could get some serious revelation from observing nature.  Sometimes we feel like life's answers are so hidden from us. Some are but so many things a there in front of us if we just take a moment to see them.  For example, instead of starting in the front yard (so I could show all the neighbors I wasn't slacking) I began in the back yard. Why? There are waaaay more leaves back there and it will require more work and energy to do it. I figured I would tackle the hard part first since I was feeling all inspired and what not. That made me think about how we spend so much energy dressing up our exterior selves to impress others when the real mess is hiding, secretly tucked away in our lives completely invisible to others. Had I began in the front, I would not have had suffient energy, or motivation, to do the back. There is still much work to do butt he hard part is done. My shoulder thanks me!

Now that I have tackled the hard part I'm not so intimidated by the rest. Yes, there will probably be a record number of bags used this year (last year was 32) and it won't be a perfect job but it's the best I can do. With that I am satisfied. I will be able to rest in peace knowing that next spring I won't be raking up wet, slimy, insect infected leaves with wiggly squirmy things crawling all around and about. I may have a little experience in that area...maybe that's what happened last year...it's all speculation though...I'm just saying maybe I know about that...I'm just saying...

Speak Easy...Or Not

Me and the lovely "Ladybug"

 

 

I have been confronted with something lately; my words. With the kids in the mentoring program, at the bank, and with a potential new hair stylist. All in one week I have had these moments where I listen to myself say something and think, “Why did you just say that?”. Words are powerful and set the course for life. It's like I have been hearing a recorded playback of things I have said and it makes me go, “Huh?!”. The latest one was a comment about not having a car but I said it in a way that I have no intention or desire to have or get one. Which, for the record, is completely untrue. After I made the comment I immediately thought to myself, “Why would you say something like that with such ease?” It may seem small to someone else but for me the things that I say hold a lot of weight. Meaning, I feel like my words set the tone for my actions, thoughts and ultimately my existence. That may sound a bit dramatic but it's true for me. Being irresponsible with my choice of words is like sampling some strange food without asking what it is and then getting mad when it tastes funny....it's just not right. The good thing is I get to practice a new way of speaking today. All is not lost! Redemption is a funny thing because you have to remind yourself you have it. Instead of being down in the dumps about things like stupid things you've said or perhaps eating 3 cookies and a chocolate bar all in the span of an hour (I just made that up...really...it's not what I did last night while watching Hulu..) you can rest in the fact that tomorrow is another opportunity to be better. That's how I look at Today, like it's another chance. While I relish in the excitement of being renewed I'm going to go brush the cookie crumbs off the couch...

Yawn...Stretch...

Waking up at 4 a.m. has proven to be beneficial lately. Though it's quite early and my body is like, "What are you doing to me??!!*&$%", I have been able to get some good quality God time in...which is imperative otherwise I may snap off on someone...especially on the city bus...

I can feel the tiredness this morning (this is only day 2 of the 4 a.m. thing). It's so easy to succumb to that feeling and crawl back in the bed. But my mind is alert and staying still is not where I am am right now. As I have been reading Sun Stand Still, I can't recall ever asking God for anything really big...or rather believing for anything really big. I feel like my faith has always been in a really safe place. Not that I am asking for trouble but I am also seeking the extraordinary which requires some serious faith that I don't think I have truly experienced or exercised. Do I really want Salon 477 to be real? Do I really want to be a full time artist? Do I really want these things? Of course I say yes but how this that translating in my actions everyday is the question. Pondering these things...
One thing I have always been blessed with is time and solitude. Sometimes percieved as a burden or curse, I am changing my outlook on my life situation. It's so easy for single folks to seek companionship with another, which is absolutely natural, but what about embracing time alone as something to be valued instead of expending all energies of soul-mate seeking? I suppose I'm just different from the average bear when it comes to this subject. Don't get me wrong, my emotions ebb and flow constantly about relationships and dating but I have come to a realization in the last few days. And that is that (1) I am to be sought after, I'm not the seeker...and (2) God is doing some amazing things in my life right now and if I could get my focus on that then I would become available to so much more fulfilment.

The journey goes on...

Chicken, Wafffles and Family

Back from Texas...getting back into the swing of things...
I think about Nana (my grandmother) and what an extraordinary experience it was to be there with her. There were small miracles happening all around us everyday. Not only was being in Texas a mini vacation from the busyness of Grand Rapids life but it was a reminder of who God is...and also a time of rejuvenation and refocus on what really matters in my life. I have been distracted for a while, being away made me realize that. Distracted by creating a very “busy” environment for myself and then getting upset for being so tired and mentally exhausted?! It's pretty incredible how we get upset at situations we create ourselves. I wandered away from my big picture and purpose for life and replaced it with worldly concerns. I'm not ashamed to admit that because at the beginning and end of the day I'm human..a very flawed one at that. But thank God the Restorer has brought me back! I can always count on the hope that comes with a relationship with Christ. Not an empty hope but one that is proven and is guaranteed to produce results. Of course there is that pesky element of patience that has to be exercised...darn this generation of instant gratification making me want everything right now!
The highlight of my Dallas excursion? Chicken and waffles! Yes, I had my first chicken and waffles experience at a nice establishment called Buttons. Other than the family time, that had to be the best part! Who would have thought that fried chicken, waffles, and collard greens would be a delectable culinary treat? Mmm mmm good is all I can say.
My cousin Logan was a special treat. She is something else! It was cool to be a part of her everyday life and get to know her. There were so many small family reunions going on it was hard to keep up with who was who. A pretty awesome experience to say the least. I just remembered another highlight...the Tempur-Pedic bed I slept on. OMG! I always told myself that the two things I would spend a significant amount of money on would be a nice sound system and a good mattress. Sleeping on that mattress confirmed that belief.

On another note, a few shots of my trip...

My mom flagging down a buggy to take us to our gate...if you're not careful those things will take you out!

 

So I thought I was getting away from the animal fur but I guess that was just wishful thinking.

My little cousin Logan...acting like she's shy!

 Aunt's and Great Aunt's

 

 Aunt Candy and Great Aunt Delores

 Malachi say cheese!

In my element

It's official..I am turning my living room into a cafe. The amount of time I spend in various coffee shops isn't the critical issue, it's how I feel when I am there. Even now as I sip a so-so latte, I am extremely aware of my countenance in this moment and firmly believe I can achieve this ambiance at home. However, I must admit it is the atmosphere of the different cafes that draw me near. Each one has a personality as unique as its customers and there is no way I could replicate a Madcap latte at home...darn that roaster in the basement! Alas, I am moved to create my own cafe space at home. Though it won't replace my favorite watering holes it will simply add to my choices!

Sip sip, yum yum!!

Contemplative thoughts...

All artists know the struggle of fulfilling our daily responsibilities with the same fervor as our art work. There is a silent struggle that goes on within me that fights toward my dreams and desires. One that is no longer able to be contained by silence and passivity. Reading Jeremiah 29 assures me of two things, (1) to accept my current position in life and pray for the success of people and things around me and (2) to trust in God's perfect timing. The itch within me to see my dreams come to pass is a good motivator. At the same time I have to be careful not to let anxious behavior come from those desires.
For example, over the weekend I rented a car. A cute, black VW Bug.

I haven't had a car in over two years (I decided to invest in my first house instead) and it could have been very tempting to tell myself that I needed one after having such a cute one for a few days. But when I had it in my possession, the overwhelming desire to have it for myself was surprisingly absent. Many times it sat in my driveway without moving for most of the day. Though it was nice knowing it was there I realized that everything I need I already have access to. Other than taking a last minute road trip, I am able to do the majority of things I need and want to do. That made me realize that I need to be more thankful for my current position in life not constantly yearning for things or conveniences I don't have at the moment. My life is good...I want to enjoy it, not spend every waking hour thinking of things I don't have that I feel would put me in a better position. Also, it made me think about the sovereignty of God's timing and how he knows when is the best time for me to have something.

As I live through today and process my thoughts I will remember the lessons a little "bug" taught me...

Jazz stuff...

There is something organic about a human voice paired with a jazz note; a scat with the thump of an upright bass, a tap with a beating drum. There is also something very natural about looking over a river while Brandford Marsalis gears up to astound the locals at Detroit's International Jazz Fest. Well, at least in my world it's normal...

Below, Brandford and the guys are warming up on the main stage...a trio of talented tappers..."flute man" as I call him and a chess player who I hope didn't mind that I was taking his picture...of course I'll never know because he didn't speak English...

For years I thought about what my writings should be about. I have kept a journal since I was a teenager and those writings consisted of whatever was going on in my life at the time. Now that my life has branched off into many areas, my writings have followed. I have come to a place where I want to be more focused in what I write about; creating a theme to the thoughts I put out into cyberspace. I'm not trying to stifle my creativity by containing my thoughts but create boundaries so I can be free to develop in certain areas. Through other areas of discipline in my life I understand how structure enables growth. Haphazardness creates inconsistencies which in turn encourages confusion. I found that though my writings were meaningful to me, the lack of an overall theme presented an incomplete body of work. I am looking for all of my work to be definitive not random. With that said I thought to myself, sitting on my new front steps, of what matters most to me and what is going on min my life; that is what I will write about without fear. Simply my life. Now, I know that sounds narcissistic but the passion and substance will come only when I write from a place that is meaningful. Trying to create something that I think will be well received by the public is futile. Like a very wise man said..."When you become an artist you don't create for everyone. Not everyone is going to love what you are doing. The most important thing is to stay true to your passion and there is always an audience out there who is going to support it." Well said.

I begin with what is going on in my life at this present time. I am an artist in the process of developing a mentoring program called Salon 477.

I am a single gal navigating life with God...and a very feisty cat named Scottie.


I purchased my first home a little over a year ago and have been fixing it up. The latest project was repairing the front steps and landscaping the lawn.




I have done some modeling over the past 4 years and now I am looking into getting a bit more serious about it. I'm not talking supermodel, cat walking, Vogue magazine type things...just stepping my game up to create another source of income.
Lastly, my day job is at a local community center where I am Volunteer Coordinator which allows me to meet a lot of really great people.

In a nutshell, that's what my life entails at the moment. It changes daily and takes on new shapes moment by moment. But in this moment, I am satisfied with knowing that my work and words are coming from a place of genuine transparency. It won't always be easy, the temptation to create a "social network facade" and live behind the curtain of your profile will be always present. However I find freedom in sharing who I really am...as I become.

Simplicity

I was talking with a friend over the weekend and she explained to me how she was simplifying her life; finances, kids, work, etc. A 'Simplification Overhaul' you could call it. I like that and try my best to live that was as well. Although lately I must admit that I have been caught up in the whirlwind of notions (all from society no doubt) that we have to be "doing" all the time. What about "being"? As I study Psalm 139 in depth and learn about how God has already shaped my identity in Him, I worry less about trying to become and focus more on simply being. We try so hard to become successful, become mature, become adults, and become independent. It's a constant rat race, chasing after a state of being that if we could stop for a moment we might realize we already have it. I understand that there is no state of nirvana here on earth, as humans we are never satisfied with what we have; always seeking more. However there are moments of extreme peace and clarity if we give into them and we have the ability to learn how to be content (Philippians 4). As the days draw near to the art competition I am preparing for I am taking inspiration from from my dear friend and simplifying some things I have allowed to get complicated. I'll drink a latte to that!

This is a photo I took of Scorpio Blues, a poet from California, who came to a poetry slam in Grand Rapids. Her stance is very comforting and made me feel as if she is relaxed in who she is and what she is about to share with her audience.

Yesterday and Today

8/23 7 a.m.
I am the master of squeezing as much as you possibly can into a day. Today was no exception. Quality tasks no doubt but nonetheless busy. In the midst of all of my running around there were profound moments of clarity. One thing I learned, yet again, is how much I am capable of when I set my mind to a thing.
During my quiet time with the Lord this morning the Holy Spirit gave me this..."Mediocrity can't stand next to greatness. You can be average or amazing but you cannot be both. Choose your way." Pretty deep huh?

8/24 7:33 a.m.
As I come back to "regular life" after 21 days of fasting I clearly see specific areas of my life that are changing. It's funny because I thought that during the fast is when I would see all these miraculous transformations but it has been in the days following that have been most impactful. I am not so eager to immediately go back to certain behaviors; junk food, candy and chocolates, countless cups of coffee and tea...and who knows how much sugar. Don't get me wrong I couldn,'t wait to head down to Madcap for a latte but the presence of control is very prevelant right now. Before I simply justified everything. Hard day at work? Latte. Frustrattion? Latte. No reason at all? Latte. The difference now is the ackowledgment of the habit/addiction and my power to choose my behavior. Do I have to have coffee everyday all day? No. Would I rather enjoy a good up now and again? Yes. I have the power to make my own decision and not let an outside force dictate me. Now that revelation deserves a latte!! Just kidding...

Friday Morning

As I come to the close of my time of fasting, I reflect on all that has happened over the past 3 weeks. I was awakened to an answered prayer, ended a dating relationship, learned some tasty new soup recipes, started a new art project (Artprize! woot woot!!), and learned what true relinquishing means and looks like. God has shown me specific areas of my life that He is changing...not a pleasant process but oh so rewarding in the end. It's kind of like exercise (for those who don't enjoy working out, I'm one of the weirdos who likes it). While you're doing it you feel like you could die at any moment but the results are priceless. That's how it feels to us during times of change, very uncomfortable and unpleasant. But who wants to be 'comfortable' all the time? How boring is that? I would much rather experience a little discomfort knowing the end result will produce something better than stay in a place of comfort all my life.
It was hard letting go of some things lately. However, those decisions have opened the door for newness...for change...for love and freedom.

It's been a little over a year since I purchased my house...or my little "gingerbread house" as I call it.

Owing a house is like new relationship, in the beginning you're all enamored by the excitement and potential the future holds but then as time goes on you realize all the work it will take to get it in the condition you want it to be in. The work it self is rewarding because you know in the end it will prove fruitful but it's still work.
Right now I'm in the process of rebuilding the front porch. Well I shouldn't say I am doing it...more like supervising.

When the porch was torn down we discovered the cement steps underneath. So, now I have to decide on whether to repair the steps and build a railing or construct an entirely new porch. Back to the relationship analogy...getting past the surface of a person will reveal those hidden things that were totally unexpected. And not to say that those things are bad things, they may just need a little TLC and time.
As you can see the exterior needs some cosmetic work and that will come in time. My main priority at the moment is to decide on the porch; keep it as is or rebuild? It's interesting how all things in life are somehow relative...

Daniel Fast Day 1

The battle of comparison is never won. I’m looking out the window wondering what the next phase of life will be. What will life after **** entail? I can remember looking out of the window of **** thinking the same thing. I used to think, “Will I ever move beyond this or is this it?” I knew it wasn’t it but I couldn’t see beyond those front windows. Now, I look out yet another window wondering the same thing. I know better though. I know for certain there is the “next level” but what is it is the question. So many wonderful things are going on around me and yet I belittle it all when I compare myself to someone else. Coveting someone’s life becomes easy when all you see is the glamour…the gutter is always invisible to the naked eye it seems. It’s in those dark, quiet, private moments when character is built and revealed…not in the spotlight. I think that’s why God has me in solitude so much; he’s preparing me to be able to handle whatever is to be my life’s work. There’s a lot of junk that has to be worked out. I can’t lie…it’s hard to watch others advance, get noticed and be in the spotlight especially when I know for certain I have the capability of being just as successful. It gets tough when I get that ‘waiting on the shelf’ feeling. But I have to remember that fine wine ages slowly; its value, flavor and potency increase with time. Its only job is to sit on the shelf and just be wine. Being who I am is all I need to do and God will do the rest. I know my responsibilities, I know my part. There are so many things God has planted inside me. I am coming to an understanding that though I know they are there and I can feel their life inside me, they need time to grow. Trying to put all of my ideas out there now would be detrimental and immature.
God help me as I grow. Teach me that with every step, you are there; in every idea, you are there. Even in every stumble you are there. I want to know you and be complete in your love, not lacking anything. Help me God to see myself as the unique one-of-a-kind creation you made

I like being single. Sitting in San Chez having breakfast, enjoying a good pot of french pressed coffee, and just being with God made me realize that I enjoy my single life. I observed another woman in a booth in front of me having breakfast too. Now, whether she is single or married I don't know. She could have been enjoying some 'me time' before work and heading home to her husband later, who knows. But I watched her and thought, “I like us single gals.” We are many, that's definitely a fact. Even as I write yet another woman walks in to enjoy breakfast alone. She seems as content as I am right now. I could be wrong and totally romanticizing my perception of single women. But for right now, in this moment, I like “us”.

I'm off to the grocery store tomorrow to purchase foods in preparation for the Daniel Fast. The interesting part is that the foods that can be eaten are not that much different than my normal diet. My sacrifice, and the hardest part for me, will be the "no sweets/sweeteners" and "no caffeine". I feel like a cup of coffee follows me wherever I go like that cloud of dirt that follows Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown. I didn't realize until yesterday that no sweeteners of any kind are a part of this type of fast, that includes honey and agave nectar. Now you're hitting me where it hurts. I have been counting on those very items as I have been trying to wean myself from sugar lately. I guess this fast is right on time....grrrrrrr...

Seriously though I am excited about making some real changes and allowing myself to settle for "just okay" anymore. Though I will miss lattes and thoughts of Kit Kat and Twix will dance in my head all is not lost. Well, perhaps a few pounds and some trips to the dentist.

As India Arie says, "Get It Together"

I did the unthinkable this afternoon. I deleted all previous blog posts prior to this. At least two years of random thoughts, quirky circumstances and humorous things that just made no sense...gone. This command decision came from a desire to have a more disciplined, thematic process to my writing. Also because it made sense to no one else but me and I wasn't satisfied with that. Of course I don't expect anyone else to understand what goes on in my head but giving others a glimpse ought to have some sort of rhyme or reason. That's my opinion at least. So I begin at a point in my life where I am about to embark on three specific tasks: (1) become a more dedicated, consistent, and educated runner, (2) take better care of my health and (3) begin a 21 day Daniel Fast.
(the thought "oh crap what am I thinking" just entered my mind)

The dissatisfaction within me comes from a deep seeded knowing of what I am capable of. I am a Child of God, nothing less. Even what I know can be exceeded and that's what drives me; not what I know I can do but what possibilities are available to me, those unthinkable things.

So..I begin from here, where I am right now. Not from where others are or where I think I ought to be but from where I actually am. As I sip on my last latte for a while (giving up caffeine is a part of the fast) and stare out of the window of my favorite coffee spot I will ready myself for the changes that await me. I can't help but to think that this is about to be hard as hell.