Nike had it right all along...

Feeling good today. More than feeling...I am good. There is something powerful about taking life one step at a time. There is a time for running and a time for walking. I'm definitely a jogger! I sense peace and strength all at the same time. Even though I am not where I would like to be I think it's all just a mindset. I mean why not think powerfully even if I don't feel it? Why not act in strength even when feeling weak or vulnerable? Why wait until I actually feel like doing something or behaving a certain way? Just do it. My feelings will just have to catch up to my actions eventually.

Waiting Is A Verb

Reading, writing and running: my daily routine that helps keep my sanity and sense of balance. When I first started running I thought I would die. I thought, "What lunatic person would continually subject their body to such pain?" Call me crazy. Running is so much more than a means to maintain physical health. It does something for the mind that I can't explain. 10+ years, many road races and I am still at it!



Yesterday was an extraordinary day in many ways. Outside of the gorgeous weather, the unprecedented excitement in me was quite unusual. The "incident" on Sunday doesn't exactly leave a girl with a sweet taste in her mouth. But that's one of the mysteries of God; he gives us beauty for ashes. Since that moment I have been empowered in a way I have never experienced. The fire in me is blazing and I have no intention of putting it out! However, it is funny how the enemy will use the very thing I am trying to overcome as a sense of comfort to me. Our comfort zones are dangerous places when speaking of transformation and change. It is during these times we ought to embrace the presence of discomfort because it is in that place where we know God is working.

Yesterday I received a phone call while I was working on Artprize details. I was in a calm place, emailing and brainstorming away. The call was from the gentleman I ran into on Sunday. It was unexpected but I wasn't nervous about it. I thought to myself, “Here we go...” Our conversation was needed, it alleviated a lot of my inner tension. Not that I feel better about seeing him out with a woman but the point of talking was not to feel better. Keeping the peace is what matters most to me. He mentioned that those moments are inevitable and I agreed. I don't expect him never to date and being that we live in a small city we are bound to run into each other and it will probably be awkward at first. But over time this will all get better. My level of sensitivity will decrease. Right now I'm still so close to it that my heart still skips a beat if I see him walking down the street. But I have been here before, even worse situations, and have made it through. In time I won't be so sensitive, I will be able to see him and not completely lose it, our conversations won't be so centered around “us”, emotions will be tamed and we will be able to enjoy each other. I know this is possible because if I have done it before it can be done again. My ex-fiance is one of my best friends. This is a rarity, I know, but it is possible to be friends with an ex. Now, it took years and effort from both parties but it can happen if both people want it to.
The interesting part about all of this is the difference in my emotional state from one day to the next. It is imperative that I don't rely on my emotions or make decisions when my emotions are high. It's typically during a time like that when the dumbest things seem logical.  Yesterday I came to a resolve that no matter what it takes I will allow God to totally transform my thinking and change my habits in regard to negative thinking. I was so on fire yesterday, filled with a nervous excitement about entering into this new territory. But in the same breath the enemy tried to sneak in and bring me back to a place of comfort where I may begin to feel that everything is okay and I don't need to change. That phone call was representative of Satan's sneaky tactics. Now, this particular person is not the enemy. Let me be clear about that. It's my attitude, emotions and thoughts that I allow, that Satan works through, as a result of  negative thinking that I am overcoming. It is the spirit behind the negativity that I am fighting against not a person. At the same time I have to be careful not to put myself in the atmosphere of temptation either. Frequent phone call and texts, emails and Facebook messages/posts...all of that activity has to be extremely limited . It's my heart that needs guarding.

I know this process won't be easy and Satan will be there every step of the way to try and keep me from progressing. Being friends with an ex is not an overnight process and sometimes it doesn't work at all depending on the person. Right now it's bumpy; I am learning to love in a new way, a way that isn't solely focused on me. The tricky part is not putting confidence in myself in a way that allows me to feel as if I can do this on my own. I need God. This is new territory for me. I have been in a certain pattern of thought for quite a while and changing that will not be a walk in the park. What gives me hope is knowing that I am not alone and God loves me and that the enemy that is trying to work against me is has already been conquered.

As I wait for changes in my life to manifest and become evident I am enjoying the process. It has brought me closer to God in a new way and inspired my creativity as well.  My "waiting" time has been the most exciting time in my life so far...I can't imagine what is yet to come!

-G

Starting From Where I Am

I have been thinking about this blog and what it means to me. Simply put it has been a way for me to express me feelings and share my life. I have had great responses from people who have read it. Every time someone tells me, “I read your blog” I feel a sense of surprise and excitement all at once. You know, when I post in my blog I’m kind of just putting it out there in cyberspace not really expecting a return. The satisfaction for me is in the “getting it out”. So far it has been a wonderful tool of self-expression.

I have reached a point where I need to go a little deeper and focus on a particular area in my life. I have chosen to divulge this information for a couple of reasons, (1) writing for me is one way I maintain balance and (2) there may be someone who may be helped by the things I share. I have no idea who reads this or where my words may land but I am a strong believer that “we overcome by the words of our testimony” and in order to do that I have to be transparent; for the benefit of myself and anyone who is reading.

What I am interested in sharing, for reasons of healing my own heart and helping others, is my experience as a single woman. I am 32 years old, no children, never been married. I have a rich and full life, a loving family and amazing friends. I have been blessed with artistic talents that allow me to create extraordinary works of art and teach aspiring young artists as well. I am signed with a local modeling agency that allows me to utilize my “look” as a financial resource (and it’s fun!). Nothing about my life is boring! With all of that going on there is still the daily plight of singlehood that often goes unspoken. There is nothing I regret about choosing to remain single. My most precious commodity is time and I love being able to enjoy my life on my own terms. At the same time there is a level of self examination that needs to take place. Sharing this process is a type of healing for me.

My last exclusive relationship ended in 2004, I was engaged and have been unattached since. I have dated since then and there were 2 guys in particular that had the appearance of potential but in the end there was no commitment. In my dating experience I seem to encounter the same story with a different cover. Men who are interested in the beginning, time passes and we get to  know each other but as soon as we reach that crucial decision point where we have to ask ourselves “where is this going” I seem to find myself hearing the same response which is the ever so vague “I’m not ready”. Now, I’m not a man-hating-bitter-single-girl. This is not what this is about. What this is all about is honesty; allowing truth to be a catalyst for change. I have many faults and have made my share of contributions to the demise of past relationships. And one of my main faults has been not getting out of a situation when I see the warning signs. This has been the pattern I have repeated: holding on to the hope of someone changing their mind. Big mistake. Even though I have seen this happen time and time again, it has taken up until now for me to learn my lesson.

The final straw came on Sunday afternoon. I had the privileged of leading a massive art project where a mural was painted on the lawn of one of our public parks. The sun was beaming and we were sweating like pigs but we had a blast! It was an experience like no other and when it was all said and done I left the park completely exhausted but elated…and covered in white paint! As I walked through the downtown area, enjoying the spring weather and feeling good about what I had just accomplished I crossed paths with my most recent ex walking through the park with a new lady on his arm and her child in tow. Ouch. If there was ever a time I wanted to cuss it was right then! I thought to myself, “You have got to be kidding me. He tells me that he is not ready but then tells me is seeing her? What the *&$%?” You see, this individual and I had dated over the course of a year. We shared many commonalities and similar family histories. Our conversations we always engaging and we enjoyed each others company. On the outside it would appear to be a good situation. But a few months into it he began to express his hesitancy to enter into a relationship. He had come out of a long term relationship and needed time before getting involved in another one. Though his sentiments were understandable it was a huge red flag for me and I should have jumped ship then. But I made the classic mistake of sticking around hoping for the change of mind to come. A year went by and still nothing. Finally it had to come to an end.

Seeing him with someone else was one of those moments I just didn’t want to see. Perhaps I didn’t want to see it but I needed to see it. Walking away from that moment, and later on that day, I realized that even though it sucked majorly to witness that I am thankful for what God just did in that moment. He put a fire underneath me to know and understand my own value. You see, so often people place their value on whether or not a certain love interest reciprocates; we entangle ourselves in a web of emotions that feeds off the acceptance of another. What I had to realize is that my worth and value does not depend on someone else’s decision to choose me; I am already chosen. After letting my emotions subside, praying and talking with a trusted friend (and letting a few tears fall) I went to sleep reassured that it would be better in the morning. And it was.

Since then I have been overwhelmed with the desire to understand and live out my worth and value. I thought of the Israelites treading around the desert for 40 years on what was supposed to be an 11 day journey; complaining and revisiting the same trials over and over. I pictured myself in their shoes, spending my life dealing with the same issues never seeing progress. In that moment I told myself I have had enough. No more settling. No more ignoring the warning signs. No more devaluing myself to meet some where they are. No more compromise. No more.

Even if today is difficult, if I find my thoughts on him or wishing we were together, tomorrow is coming. I won’t waste my time trying to figure him out; time has passed on his opportunity to know me. I won't play the victim role and spend my days having internal a pity parties. Each day will be better and each day I will be stronger. I am surrounded by beauty and people who genuinely love me. I look forward to the day when someone recognizes my value and knows that it will be worth their effort.

I recently told one of my students, “There is so much of your life to be lived and so many things to experience and people to meet”. I’m taking heed to my own words today. I am clearing my vision and broadening my thinking. Life doesn’t stop when one person makes different choices. Even if I don’t understand why, I am learning from my mistakes and using this current situation as an opportunity to get better.

I rest in knowing that I am already chosen by the One who matters most.

-G

           

No Fear In Limitations

My house is a true test of my patience. As I was walking to the bus stop this morning I noticed the antenna on the roof is tangled in the tree branches that sway above the house. Now I know what has been making the creaking sounds all through the night. As I continued walking I thought to myself, "It's always something." The lawn needs a small miracle, the driveway needs a complete overhaul and don't even get me started on the interior decorating issue. The list goes on and on. My little gingerbread house is a constant work in progress. As much as it has the potential to frustrate me I decided to take a positive approach. I have always believed that if you're going to have something valuable then it's worth working for.

I learned a valuable lesson over the weekend while participating in the River Bank Run. I finished the 5K feeling strong and excited! After making my rounds through the snack tents (oooh the snacks!) and meeting up with friends I spent some time watching the 25Kers come in. I found myself getting so excited for them because of how close they were to the finish. Without knowing the course, most of the runners aren't aware of how far away or close the finish line is. From where I was, and being familiar with the route, I knew how close they were which compelled me to cheer them on even more. There is always a point in the race where you think about stopping; when your muscles are fatigued and your body craves more oxygen. The amazing thing that can happen is the overpowering of the mind over your condition. Observing the runners made me realize that so often in life we are so close to what we strive for. Whether it's leaving behind a bad habit, coming into a new level of maturity or gaining a new perspective on life; our desires are within our reach if we just keep going. Like the runners we may not see the finish and may be completely unfamiliar with the course life has us on but often times we are just a few steps away from reaching a very monumental goal. The key is to keep moving forward.

I think about all the small projects involved with my home improvements. It will only seem overwhelming if I let it. All I keep saying to myself is, "One step at a time." One task. One project. One step. This reality correlates with many other areas in my life as well. When I think about everything at once I get overwhelmed, fear sets in and I go into "vegetable mode"; lay like lettuce, chill like broccoli. Basically nothing gets done. But when I talk to God about it and make him a part of it it begins to break down into smaller steps. Fear is eliminated and things that were far away now become closer in view.

As it turns out my house is teaching me more and more each day. It will get where I want it to be in time. I just have to keep the visual of the finish line in the front of my mind and remember that I am so close.

Blue Sunrise No.1

To fully grasp completeness is to be absolutely fulfilled with God alone and content with my life as it is. If I never received another thing from God, from this moment on, would I still be content? The words of the Apostle Paul in Philippians 4 talk about being totally content regardless of the circumstance or situation. The more I pull away from God and go my own way, thinking it will bring  lasting satisfaction, the less I will know true contentment.
This reality reverberates in my mind lately as I have been struggling with my single status. Don't get me wrong, being single still rocks! What I am talking about specifically is the identification and value that is placed on being a couple as opposed to an individual. When I begin to feel as if I am missing out on something because a particular dating situation didn't work out or someone I had been interested in finds a better connection with someone else then I am treading on dangerous territory. Sometimes I ought to thank God for keeping me from things as opposed to giving me everything I ask for. As much as my human nature wants to be closely united with another and to reach out to someone, I have to hold my peace and believe in the timing of God. It's not always easy (especially when your homegirls get engaged or past love interests tell you they have a girlfriend). All in all I am richly blessed. Walks by the river on a Sunday afternoon are one of my favorite moments and I look forward to coming home to someone and being able to share my day. However, my “right now” is not in the daydream of tomorrow but in the moments that I am living out as I type these words. Can my life be changed in an instant? Absolutely. Could I fall head over heals in love again? Of course. In the meantime, I will take joy in placing one foot in front of the other, putting my hand in my Fathers and walking this thing out.

The richness of my life is not in the form of a wedding ring but in the deep knowing that at the beginning and end of each day, I...am...loved.

Living Authentically,
G