I have been thinking about this blog and what it means to me. Simply put it has been a way for me to express me feelings and share my life. I have had great responses from people who have read it. Every time someone tells me, “I read your blog” I feel a sense of surprise and excitement all at once. You know, when I post in my blog I’m kind of just putting it out there in cyberspace not really expecting a return. The satisfaction for me is in the “getting it out”. So far it has been a wonderful tool of self-expression.
I have reached a point where I need to go a little deeper and focus on a particular area in my life. I have chosen to divulge this information for a couple of reasons, (1) writing for me is one way I maintain balance and (2) there may be someone who may be helped by the things I share. I have no idea who reads this or where my words may land but I am a strong believer that “we overcome by the words of our testimony” and in order to do that I have to be transparent; for the benefit of myself and anyone who is reading.
What I am interested in sharing, for reasons of healing my own heart and helping others, is my experience as a single woman. I am 32 years old, no children, never been married. I have a rich and full life, a loving family and amazing friends. I have been blessed with artistic talents that allow me to create extraordinary works of art and teach aspiring young artists as well. I am signed with a local modeling agency that allows me to utilize my “look” as a financial resource (and it’s fun!). Nothing about my life is boring! With all of that going on there is still the daily plight of singlehood that often goes unspoken. There is nothing I regret about choosing to remain single. My most precious commodity is time and I love being able to enjoy my life on my own terms. At the same time there is a level of self examination that needs to take place. Sharing this process is a type of healing for me.
My last exclusive relationship ended in 2004, I was engaged and have been unattached since. I have dated since then and there were 2 guys in particular that had the appearance of potential but in the end there was no commitment. In my dating experience I seem to encounter the same story with a different cover. Men who are interested in the beginning, time passes and we get to know each other but as soon as we reach that crucial decision point where we have to ask ourselves “where is this going” I seem to find myself hearing the same response which is the ever so vague “I’m not ready”. Now, I’m not a man-hating-bitter-single-girl. This is not what this is about. What this is all about is honesty; allowing truth to be a catalyst for change. I have many faults and have made my share of contributions to the demise of past relationships. And one of my main faults has been not getting out of a situation when I see the warning signs. This has been the pattern I have repeated: holding on to the hope of someone changing their mind. Big mistake. Even though I have seen this happen time and time again, it has taken up until now for me to learn my lesson.
The final straw came on Sunday afternoon. I had the privileged of leading a massive art project where a mural was painted on the lawn of one of our public parks. The sun was beaming and we were sweating like pigs but we had a blast! It was an experience like no other and when it was all said and done I left the park completely exhausted but elated…and covered in white paint! As I walked through the downtown area, enjoying the spring weather and feeling good about what I had just accomplished I crossed paths with my most recent ex walking through the park with a new lady on his arm and her child in tow. Ouch. If there was ever a time I wanted to cuss it was right then! I thought to myself, “You have got to be kidding me. He tells me that he is not ready but then tells me is seeing her? What the *&$%?” You see, this individual and I had dated over the course of a year. We shared many commonalities and similar family histories. Our conversations we always engaging and we enjoyed each others company. On the outside it would appear to be a good situation. But a few months into it he began to express his hesitancy to enter into a relationship. He had come out of a long term relationship and needed time before getting involved in another one. Though his sentiments were understandable it was a huge red flag for me and I should have jumped ship then. But I made the classic mistake of sticking around hoping for the change of mind to come. A year went by and still nothing. Finally it had to come to an end.
Seeing him with someone else was one of those moments I just didn’t want to see. Perhaps I didn’t want to see it but I needed to see it. Walking away from that moment, and later on that day, I realized that even though it sucked majorly to witness that I am thankful for what God just did in that moment. He put a fire underneath me to know and understand my own value. You see, so often people place their value on whether or not a certain love interest reciprocates; we entangle ourselves in a web of emotions that feeds off the acceptance of another. What I had to realize is that my worth and value does not depend on someone else’s decision to choose me; I am already chosen. After letting my emotions subside, praying and talking with a trusted friend (and letting a few tears fall) I went to sleep reassured that it would be better in the morning. And it was.
Since then I have been overwhelmed with the desire to understand and live out my worth and value. I thought of the Israelites treading around the desert for 40 years on what was supposed to be an 11 day journey; complaining and revisiting the same trials over and over. I pictured myself in their shoes, spending my life dealing with the same issues never seeing progress. In that moment I told myself I have had enough. No more settling. No more ignoring the warning signs. No more devaluing myself to meet some where they are. No more compromise. No more.
Even if today is difficult, if I find my thoughts on him or wishing we were together, tomorrow is coming. I won’t waste my time trying to figure him out; time has passed on his opportunity to know me. I won't play the victim role and spend my days having internal a pity parties. Each day will be better and each day I will be stronger. I am surrounded by beauty and people who genuinely love me. I look forward to the day when someone recognizes my value and knows that it will be worth their effort.
I recently told one of my students, “There is so much of your life to be lived and so many things to experience and people to meet”. I’m taking heed to my own words today. I am clearing my vision and broadening my thinking. Life doesn’t stop when one person makes different choices. Even if I don’t understand why, I am learning from my mistakes and using this current situation as an opportunity to get better.
I rest in knowing that I am already chosen by the One who matters most.
-G
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