Waiting Is A Verb

Reading, writing and running: my daily routine that helps keep my sanity and sense of balance. When I first started running I thought I would die. I thought, "What lunatic person would continually subject their body to such pain?" Call me crazy. Running is so much more than a means to maintain physical health. It does something for the mind that I can't explain. 10+ years, many road races and I am still at it!



Yesterday was an extraordinary day in many ways. Outside of the gorgeous weather, the unprecedented excitement in me was quite unusual. The "incident" on Sunday doesn't exactly leave a girl with a sweet taste in her mouth. But that's one of the mysteries of God; he gives us beauty for ashes. Since that moment I have been empowered in a way I have never experienced. The fire in me is blazing and I have no intention of putting it out! However, it is funny how the enemy will use the very thing I am trying to overcome as a sense of comfort to me. Our comfort zones are dangerous places when speaking of transformation and change. It is during these times we ought to embrace the presence of discomfort because it is in that place where we know God is working.

Yesterday I received a phone call while I was working on Artprize details. I was in a calm place, emailing and brainstorming away. The call was from the gentleman I ran into on Sunday. It was unexpected but I wasn't nervous about it. I thought to myself, “Here we go...” Our conversation was needed, it alleviated a lot of my inner tension. Not that I feel better about seeing him out with a woman but the point of talking was not to feel better. Keeping the peace is what matters most to me. He mentioned that those moments are inevitable and I agreed. I don't expect him never to date and being that we live in a small city we are bound to run into each other and it will probably be awkward at first. But over time this will all get better. My level of sensitivity will decrease. Right now I'm still so close to it that my heart still skips a beat if I see him walking down the street. But I have been here before, even worse situations, and have made it through. In time I won't be so sensitive, I will be able to see him and not completely lose it, our conversations won't be so centered around “us”, emotions will be tamed and we will be able to enjoy each other. I know this is possible because if I have done it before it can be done again. My ex-fiance is one of my best friends. This is a rarity, I know, but it is possible to be friends with an ex. Now, it took years and effort from both parties but it can happen if both people want it to.
The interesting part about all of this is the difference in my emotional state from one day to the next. It is imperative that I don't rely on my emotions or make decisions when my emotions are high. It's typically during a time like that when the dumbest things seem logical.  Yesterday I came to a resolve that no matter what it takes I will allow God to totally transform my thinking and change my habits in regard to negative thinking. I was so on fire yesterday, filled with a nervous excitement about entering into this new territory. But in the same breath the enemy tried to sneak in and bring me back to a place of comfort where I may begin to feel that everything is okay and I don't need to change. That phone call was representative of Satan's sneaky tactics. Now, this particular person is not the enemy. Let me be clear about that. It's my attitude, emotions and thoughts that I allow, that Satan works through, as a result of  negative thinking that I am overcoming. It is the spirit behind the negativity that I am fighting against not a person. At the same time I have to be careful not to put myself in the atmosphere of temptation either. Frequent phone call and texts, emails and Facebook messages/posts...all of that activity has to be extremely limited . It's my heart that needs guarding.

I know this process won't be easy and Satan will be there every step of the way to try and keep me from progressing. Being friends with an ex is not an overnight process and sometimes it doesn't work at all depending on the person. Right now it's bumpy; I am learning to love in a new way, a way that isn't solely focused on me. The tricky part is not putting confidence in myself in a way that allows me to feel as if I can do this on my own. I need God. This is new territory for me. I have been in a certain pattern of thought for quite a while and changing that will not be a walk in the park. What gives me hope is knowing that I am not alone and God loves me and that the enemy that is trying to work against me is has already been conquered.

As I wait for changes in my life to manifest and become evident I am enjoying the process. It has brought me closer to God in a new way and inspired my creativity as well.  My "waiting" time has been the most exciting time in my life so far...I can't imagine what is yet to come!

-G