Revelations of a Single Woman Part 1

(At Madcap Coffee Company, downtown Grand rapids...looking out of the window...a spectacular fall afternoon)

Now that I have publically expressed my views on the pressures of society concerning how we ought to behave in relationships, love, marriage,work etc. I thought why not examine and express how I feel about living as a single Christian woman…I mean reeeeally examine it. For years I have tinkered around with the idea of intentionally remaining single. I can remember a conversation with my mom in my very early 20’s, when she expressed that I shouldn’t ignore the feeling inside me that doesn’t want to marry. Recently she told me that if I decide to marry she will be happy but if I decide not to she will be happy as well. I don’t think I was mistaken to notice emphasis in her voice on the latter.


When I think about my life, where it is and where I am going, I’m constantly questioning the position and role of a husband. I believe in marriage and have wonderful examples in my life of great marriage relationships (and not so great ones too). I am a firm believer in the covenant agreement between a husband, a wife and our Creator within the context of marriage. I don’t question whether or not it is possible to be with one person, if I can commit and be content or if I fear losing my identity and voice. None of this is true for me. What I question, what lies in the core of my being, is not do I want to be married but will a marriage relationship allow God to accomplish through two people what could not be done through one? In my opinion, marriage should have a purpose. Love simply isn’t enough for me to commit my entire existence to another flawed human being. Are there things that God wants to accomplish through my life that can only be done through a marriage? If so then I can accept the call. However, if I am able to complete the work set before me surrounded, supported and uplifted by my community (family, close friends, etc) as a single woman serving God then I accept that call as well. Either way it is a win-win situation but personally, at this time in my life, I'm leaning toward the latter.

I don’t doubt the omnipotence of God, whether or not He needs me to accomplish any of his purposes. God could choose a rock to accomplish all he needs if he so decided. But He loves me enough to entrust me with gifts to reach others for his glory and to imprint his message on the hearts of his children. Within that design, I have a choice. There are no robots in the kingdom of God and Christianity is not a passive practice. There is power within my choice. With that being said I can (a) moan and cry about being single and read every “lady in waiting” book I can find (which I loathe by the way…what the heck am I waiting for? Am I not complete in Christ NOW?! ) or (b) leverage the asset of being single at this time of my life to fully devote my attention to what God has arranged for me. The final option would be to be completely indifferent about the whole matter and avoid all responsibility about making any decision. At some point I have to come to grips with how I really feel, embrace it and give it room to grow. If not now, when?

So, I embark on a journey that will take me...well, I have no idea where it will take me. What I know and what I have peace in is moving forward in a direction that has pounded in my heart for years. However I end up, single or married, will be my choice and God's design and not driven by the small minded, cookie cutter mentality of society. The important thing is to remember that life is happening now! It doesn't start when I meet my "prince" or start making a ton of money; when I finally travel to another country or sell my first $10,000 piece of art (which will happen by the way...). Life is moving, breathing, and flowing all around me, singing its song of beauty and redemption with every rising sun. "Waiting is a verb" as my good friend Sharon says and I plan on living with a lot more purpose these days.

Authenticity Arising

It’s funny how long we can go without being are true selves. Most folks don’t even know what that means or who they really are to begin with. There are masks we all wear and persona's we take on in certain atmospheres all for the sake of acceptance and comfort. I feel the most myself during the time I spend with God alone. There are no expectations, no judgments, not a right or wrong way to be. I can be me and that is accepted.


This morning I had a beautiful time of worship through song. In that moment I had a sense of who and what I truly am. I am child of God. I am a broken believer navigating this life on earth; sometimes I’m good sometimes I’m not. I’m learning not to get caught in the web of condemnation and also not to attempt, in my own logic, to pick myself up. Actually relying on and believing in the strength and love of God is a powerful act; a decision that can save weeks, months, and even years of time spent on trying to “fix” myself. I’m learning a different way of how to be with God at this stage of my life. I am a different person than I was 5 years ago and will continue to change in time.

What has been most profound lately has been admitting to myself what I really want and what is most important. The other day I was talking with a friend about a situation in my life involving a guy I have been seeing. I expressed to her my tendency to tell myself that I don’t know what I really want when it comes to dating and relationships. Telling myself that kind of acts as a scapegoat for decision making. If I don’t know what I want then there is no need to come to a decision about anything…just let it be or “hang out” as we call it. The truth is I know exactly what I want. My issue doesn’t lie in the not knowing, it’s settling for less. To allow yourself to deviate from what you want when your vision is clear is to introduce compromise and welcome all kinds of frustrations. The truth always trumps.

Step by step and moment by moment I am getting to know myself. Coming to the point of embracing the good and bad, the politically correct and the uncomfortable, and the fact that I’ve always been much different than most women around me is quite exciting! There are things about me that will never be normal according to the standards of our society. But who wants to use society as a gauge for normalcy anyway?! I’m perfectly fine being the odd duck. Or maybe it’s us odd ducks that folks should pay more attention to.

G

I woke up this morning feeling attracted to peace. I’m intrigued by a life of simplicity. Not having my cell phone for the past week (and one day) has definitely played into this feeling. Life will naturally bring many interruptions and trials; confusion, frustration and uncontrollable circumstances. But within all of that can be a nucleus of peace. If any desire within me to work hard at something that will improve my character exists it is this: to seek peace at all costs.

I’ve reached a breaking point…well, almost breaking point. Actually it’s more like a demarcation line between sanity and balance, frivolous activities and actual productivity. The root of it is lies within my need to pursue my passion and give God glory through my lifestyle and choices. I haven’t been doing such a good job of that lately. I’ve never considered myself as a “keep up with the Jones” type in terms of chasing after material possessions. Perhaps my obsession has been with chasing the idea of “having it together”. I don’t really know what “it” is but I have associated “it” with always being on top of things, never forgetting  and being extremely organized at all times. I’ve felt as if living this way would bring me peace because it would mean that everything in my life was always in order. I suppose I have associated confusion and frustration with a lack of organization. So if I was ever frustrated about anything then that must mean there must be something I didn’t take care of, something slipped through the cracks of my day planner. What a crock…(laughing at myself). The realization of self is a funny thing.

This type of thinking brought on a tremendous amount of guilt and inability to enjoy life. I felt guilty if I didn’t do all I felt I was capable of within a 24 hour period. Even if I was completely exhausted and could hardly form a complete thought, I always thought about what I could or should be working on.  This is not a fun existence let me tell you! But it was all I knew…the only way I knew how to operate.

It took several extreme situations within a very short period of time to get me to stop , think and reevaluate;  a car fire that threatened my personal safety and my house (my dad’s car caught on fire on the street in front of my house about 5 yards from my front door…full tank of gas…yeah),  and the death of my grandmother and close friend within 2 weeks of each other. When things of that magnitude happen, back to back, everything changes. I can now understand the inability to return to normal life after experiencing a tragic incident. Like when soldiers come home after being deployed or a child being shuffled back and forth after a divorce. Normal life is no longer normal. I am in the process of rediscovering my own life.

A huge part of this rediscovery process is letting go. Also the realization that every decision made will be tested. It won’t be easy and honestly I don’t want it to be. Anything that is valuable is worth hard work and effort. Things in my life will change indefinitely for the better through this process of simplifying my life. The pursuit of peace is, in light of God’s Truth,  actually no pursuit at all. What I desire is already inside of me; freely given to me and accessible to me at any time.

I’m not blind to this anymore…my eyes are wide open now.

Conflicting Inspiration

I desire intimacy; mental, emotional, physical. The "oneness" in life that can be experienced through genuine friendship and relationship. I don't have a desire for marriage in the traditional sense; the way our Western society portrays it. Husband.Wife. Children. House. Car. Dog. Career.Tupperware.
I see the type of union that can be timeless and ageless, not tainted by society and its standards and expectations. Founded in love and rooted in Truth.

My struggle is not with the belief that this exists, or can exist. But instead with forsaking what I want for God's design. What I want leans toward the tall-light skinned-athletic-good smellin'-clean cut-type...but God's design says that I remain unattached for the past 7 years.

Today was yet another test. As I sift through my emotions related to a particular past lover turned friend, initially I felt discouraged because of feelings I didn't want to recognize as my own. When I am unable to look past what I want to what someone else may need I turn into someone I don't like. (my evil twin Gargamella lol). After wasting about 2 hours dwelling on an issue I have no power to change (which made me forget my to-go box from lunch containing a tasty sandwich from my favorite pizza joint that I had planned on eating as a late night snack tonight...you see that, bitterness will leave you HUNGRY!) I had to tell myself, "Alright girl, get it together!". Positive reinforcement after positive reinforcement began to come out of my mouth replacing the negativity that was trying to find a home. It only takes one word...one misunderstood tone...one comment...to get us on a downward spiral to no where and it seems to take 10 times as many to pick ourselves back up.

I am choosing to remain in this uncomfortable friendship for a purpose. It is most definitely a test; like sandpaper on my soul smoothing away the rough and unnecessary edges of my pride and ego. Today, I decided that I would use the opportunity given through our interactions to build in a positive way. I saw the picture of a foundation (Love) and bricks being placed upon it. Each brick represented a moment in time equaling weeks, months and years. I have the power and choice to build with either good or bad, lovely or unlovely, positive or negative. Every interaction is an opportunity and a gift. each brick is a chance to place love on top of love, one moment at a time. Not because it feels good or that I want to (because there are times I want to walk away). But the reason is far greater than my own wants and desires. There is a greater purpose to be played out through all of this. A greater purpose indeed.


G

Extreme Makeover Part 2: Home Edition

As I sit here and write my house is undergoing an extreme makeover...I'm so excited! It is getting a new paint job and a wheelchair ramp built onto the front entrance.

When the truck pulled up and dropped off the wood is when I really knew it was actually going to happen.

Earlier this year I heard of a program that offers free home repair services over the summer months. Students from all over the US, supervised by professionals, volunteer their time to participate in this program. Supplies are donated, houses are selected, crews are sent out and...viola!

Early this morning I huge charter bus pulled up and unloaded the students and all their supplies...it was like a TV show. I was waiting for the film crew to pop out from behind the bushes!

All of this is more than a blessing...it is faith manifested. The unknown is scary sometimes, especially when there is a need and you have no idea if and when it will be fulfilled. But God knows His plans. He knew that my mom (who lives with me) couldn't go through another winter season without a wheelchair ramp (she has MS and steps are not her friend). He also knew affording a new paint job was something I didn't need to spend my personal finances on. So, like always, he came through in a way that was far more wonderful than I could have asked for.

I'm excited to see the progress when I get home!...

Extreme Makeover Part 1: Life Edition

My trip to Atlanta was bittersweet. I saw the beauty of Stone Mountain, ate more fabulous food than I can even talk about, spent time with my brother, sister and nephew, met new artists and caught an exhibit, and received news of my grandmothers passing. She was 94.

Almost a century she saw in her lifetime. I think about all the things I have studied in history and how much of that she actually experienced! She traveled the world, had a meaningful career as a librarian and provided substantial opportunities for myself as well as other family members. However, our relationship was a strained one. She was a very difficult person to love and be in relationship with. But God has used that circumstance, in each member of my family, to refine and shape us. That's how He works you know...giving us beauty for ashes

It has been years since all of my immediate family has been together in one location. Here is a snapshot of our memorable moments together...

The Family

The man cave

My sister, Nikki, getting ready to cook. Probably where I should have been also but my duty remains to the camera

My sisters,Nikki and Latoya

My brother Austin and nephew Keinen. Keinen had his first dirt bike lesson...in which he ended up upside a tree!(no injuries)

Auntie Bird stealing kisses from Austin Jr.

....and Jr not feeling the love!

That was the first time I have felt that vulnerable and fragile. So many emotions surfaced following the days of my grandmothers death. I didn't know what to do with them all. I can see how people can make rash decisions during emotional times such as that. I learned the importance of building emotional stability on a daily bases so that when situations arise I am not enticed to reach out to things or people for comfort. I made that mistake and it almost cost me a friendship.

It is hard to be friends with an ex-boyfriend, past lover or ex anything. In my case I have actually pulled it off. My ex-fiance is one of my best friends (and has been a tremendous support during this time, thanks Pete!) so I know it can be done. It took us years to get to where we are. It was very hard in the beginning and required much effort from both parties but I know from experience that it is possible. My most recent relationship is now going through the same phase. It has been bumpy trying to be friends and I expect it will take quite a while for us to get used to the idea. Learning and exercising boundaries, respecting privacy, not playing games...it takes a while for all of that to mesh and lots of forgiveness. My emotions got the best of me one evening during my mourning process. I reached out to him and reacted harshly when he was unable to be there in a time of need. Fortunately he was able to recognize what was happening, my emotions running wild and all, and respond in a mature way. I appreciated that (I won't mention his name in this instance but you know who are you are...thank you). From this experience I saw something that was very real: the capacity of love to reach beyond the obvious, what is seen, and extend to what is hidden, the unseen.


Coming home and having to face the reality of my grandmothers death made everything in my life appear to be new. What was once surreal has become a reality; what was in the background has propelled into the foreground. I have a charge to finish the work that has been entrusted to me. I have more than a reason to now...I have a passion renewed.

Sweet As A Georgia Peach part 2

 Great things can happen when you take risks. Taking a break from the norm and not having an agenda was so relaxing...and the view isn't so bad either!

View from the plane




Midtown Atlanta view



The first thing I had to do was get some good food. My brother Chaz, sister LaToya (Bird) and nephew Keinen headed to Chow Baby's shortly after my arrival.

On our way to Chow Baby's ready to grub!

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Browsing around Atlantic Station, we finally found an art exhibit I read about in Creative Loafing, a local art publication. Dubelyoo is the name of the artist and his work was representative of hip hop culture reflecting social issues. Great work and good vibe!

Artist: Dubelyoo exhibit at Atlantic Station

  





 

A nice discovery with 200 beers on tap..



The only time I will have a seafood dish of this caliber will be in ATL! Highly cost effective and the flavor...Oh, the flavor!



Keinen getting the crabs ready!Time for the real cuisine.

 






A dish like this takes full concentration...stay focused Keinen!



Stone Mountain was an awesome sight! City life is great but to be able to have this beauty to experience was breathtaking.



Sweet As A Georgia Peach

As I was having time with God this morning, I read over a familiar scripture Psalm 139. The last verse reads, "Search me God and know my heart. Test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." I have prayed that as a prayer for years and I now see that that is exactly what God has been doing. Through situations and people he is testing me in areas that make me anxious and require great faith. There are very specific issues that stir up the most anxiety in me; money, family, career and men. In each area, over the past 7 years, I can recall very specific tests. Especially the tests regarding matters of the heart that would pertain to my devotion and committment to Christ. I have recieved what I prayed for and am better because of it. Some of those tests I feel like, "Man, why did I have to go through that!" or "Why did I have to experience it that way?" But after my emotions subside and the pain heals, the value of the test becomes more clear.





Flying the friendly skies to Atlanta


This morning I thought to myself, "How do you want your life to be?" Getting away from Grand Rapids, where it's all hustle and grind, always helps me regain my perspective. When your so close to a thing, near sighted, you can't see anything but what is directly in front of you. In certain circumstances that's good but other times it disables your ability to see the bigger picture. Being out of my norm  this week/weekend reminds me of what is most important and shifts my focus from what's frivolous to what matters.

I have an appreciation for home and also for the "get away". This weekend marks the 2nd anniversary of purchasing my house. Things have come a long way and there is much to still do. I am so thankful to have so many different opportunities to grow. If God wasn't all in my business, aggravating me out my comfort, then I would have reason to worry. But I am definitely being shaken up right now and for very good reason. Since I was about eight or nine years old I have always known what I wanted to do in life; to do something great with my life and my art. Fulfilling that is a life long journey and along the way will be so many experiences that mold and shape me. Right now, I see where my focus needs to be and it's difficult in some ways because it will mean that I have to take my attention away from things that have previously held it. But in the end it will all be worth it. Nothing is wasted, every sacrifice has value. Even if all I see is smoke and ashes...there is beauty that will arise.

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Beautiful night skyline of Midtown Atlanta

So, my very relaxing get away has been quite a treat so far! Being in a stylish room (that I don't have to pay for!!!), reading under a bungalow at the pool and complimentary breakfast in the morning is a feeling like no other. What is it about sleeping on a bed that's not yours that somehow makes going to bed exciting?!

Weekend In Toronto

To say that my recent trip to Toronto was "good" would be an understatement. The blend of cultures, shades of skin, and variety of languages spoken created an almost magical elixir of diversity. I thought to myself, "This is exactly what I needed to keep my fire lit!" I needed to get outside of my norm, my Mid-West bubble, and be reminded that life exists outside of Grand Rapids, Michigan; life is happening in other forms and taking other shapes. Home is always comforting but variety adds a good spice that makes the appreciation of home greater.

I shopped in Chinatown, passed by a french cafe with the most delectable pastries (thumbs up to the pecan tart!), happened upon the NXNE festival featuring Digable Planets and The Pharcyde, and enjoyed sushi on Dundas Avenue. What was even better was that I experienced this with 6 of the most adventurous young people from the mentoring program at the community center I work at. This trip was a reward for them maintaining a 3.0 GPA. The reward was not only for them but me as well who, along with them, experienced so many new and unexpected things.

Take a look...

View from the ferry on the way to Toronto Islands

Just arriving in Chinatown

Mural on Dundas Ave

Sculpture in front of museum

Ahhhh the people of Toronto!

This sushi served by the most enthusiastic waitress on the planet...she was a doll!

Now that's desert!

Performance artists near the NXNE mainstage

Breakfast of Champions

Sculpture on the way to the ferry...

View from the ferry, on the way to the islands

I guess we were safe with all those life preservers huh!?

This beautiful scene was something out of a movie

Just a tip for any Parks and Rec department...a little encouragement isn't so bad:)

Strolling through the gardens on the Toronto Islands

Four-person bike ride anyone? It was all good until our chain popped...that's what we get for trying to race!

Of course I had to have a contemplative moment in there...so typical of me...

Nothing like a bit of street art to brighten my walk