Conflicting Inspiration

I desire intimacy; mental, emotional, physical. The "oneness" in life that can be experienced through genuine friendship and relationship. I don't have a desire for marriage in the traditional sense; the way our Western society portrays it. Husband.Wife. Children. House. Car. Dog. Career.Tupperware.
I see the type of union that can be timeless and ageless, not tainted by society and its standards and expectations. Founded in love and rooted in Truth.

My struggle is not with the belief that this exists, or can exist. But instead with forsaking what I want for God's design. What I want leans toward the tall-light skinned-athletic-good smellin'-clean cut-type...but God's design says that I remain unattached for the past 7 years.

Today was yet another test. As I sift through my emotions related to a particular past lover turned friend, initially I felt discouraged because of feelings I didn't want to recognize as my own. When I am unable to look past what I want to what someone else may need I turn into someone I don't like. (my evil twin Gargamella lol). After wasting about 2 hours dwelling on an issue I have no power to change (which made me forget my to-go box from lunch containing a tasty sandwich from my favorite pizza joint that I had planned on eating as a late night snack tonight...you see that, bitterness will leave you HUNGRY!) I had to tell myself, "Alright girl, get it together!". Positive reinforcement after positive reinforcement began to come out of my mouth replacing the negativity that was trying to find a home. It only takes one word...one misunderstood tone...one comment...to get us on a downward spiral to no where and it seems to take 10 times as many to pick ourselves back up.

I am choosing to remain in this uncomfortable friendship for a purpose. It is most definitely a test; like sandpaper on my soul smoothing away the rough and unnecessary edges of my pride and ego. Today, I decided that I would use the opportunity given through our interactions to build in a positive way. I saw the picture of a foundation (Love) and bricks being placed upon it. Each brick represented a moment in time equaling weeks, months and years. I have the power and choice to build with either good or bad, lovely or unlovely, positive or negative. Every interaction is an opportunity and a gift. each brick is a chance to place love on top of love, one moment at a time. Not because it feels good or that I want to (because there are times I want to walk away). But the reason is far greater than my own wants and desires. There is a greater purpose to be played out through all of this. A greater purpose indeed.


G