I woke up this morning feeling attracted to peace. I’m intrigued by a life of simplicity. Not having my cell phone for the past week (and one day) has definitely played into this feeling. Life will naturally bring many interruptions and trials; confusion, frustration and uncontrollable circumstances. But within all of that can be a nucleus of peace. If any desire within me to work hard at something that will improve my character exists it is this: to seek peace at all costs.

I’ve reached a breaking point…well, almost breaking point. Actually it’s more like a demarcation line between sanity and balance, frivolous activities and actual productivity. The root of it is lies within my need to pursue my passion and give God glory through my lifestyle and choices. I haven’t been doing such a good job of that lately. I’ve never considered myself as a “keep up with the Jones” type in terms of chasing after material possessions. Perhaps my obsession has been with chasing the idea of “having it together”. I don’t really know what “it” is but I have associated “it” with always being on top of things, never forgetting  and being extremely organized at all times. I’ve felt as if living this way would bring me peace because it would mean that everything in my life was always in order. I suppose I have associated confusion and frustration with a lack of organization. So if I was ever frustrated about anything then that must mean there must be something I didn’t take care of, something slipped through the cracks of my day planner. What a crock…(laughing at myself). The realization of self is a funny thing.

This type of thinking brought on a tremendous amount of guilt and inability to enjoy life. I felt guilty if I didn’t do all I felt I was capable of within a 24 hour period. Even if I was completely exhausted and could hardly form a complete thought, I always thought about what I could or should be working on.  This is not a fun existence let me tell you! But it was all I knew…the only way I knew how to operate.

It took several extreme situations within a very short period of time to get me to stop , think and reevaluate;  a car fire that threatened my personal safety and my house (my dad’s car caught on fire on the street in front of my house about 5 yards from my front door…full tank of gas…yeah),  and the death of my grandmother and close friend within 2 weeks of each other. When things of that magnitude happen, back to back, everything changes. I can now understand the inability to return to normal life after experiencing a tragic incident. Like when soldiers come home after being deployed or a child being shuffled back and forth after a divorce. Normal life is no longer normal. I am in the process of rediscovering my own life.

A huge part of this rediscovery process is letting go. Also the realization that every decision made will be tested. It won’t be easy and honestly I don’t want it to be. Anything that is valuable is worth hard work and effort. Things in my life will change indefinitely for the better through this process of simplifying my life. The pursuit of peace is, in light of God’s Truth,  actually no pursuit at all. What I desire is already inside of me; freely given to me and accessible to me at any time.

I’m not blind to this anymore…my eyes are wide open now.

Conflicting Inspiration

I desire intimacy; mental, emotional, physical. The "oneness" in life that can be experienced through genuine friendship and relationship. I don't have a desire for marriage in the traditional sense; the way our Western society portrays it. Husband.Wife. Children. House. Car. Dog. Career.Tupperware.
I see the type of union that can be timeless and ageless, not tainted by society and its standards and expectations. Founded in love and rooted in Truth.

My struggle is not with the belief that this exists, or can exist. But instead with forsaking what I want for God's design. What I want leans toward the tall-light skinned-athletic-good smellin'-clean cut-type...but God's design says that I remain unattached for the past 7 years.

Today was yet another test. As I sift through my emotions related to a particular past lover turned friend, initially I felt discouraged because of feelings I didn't want to recognize as my own. When I am unable to look past what I want to what someone else may need I turn into someone I don't like. (my evil twin Gargamella lol). After wasting about 2 hours dwelling on an issue I have no power to change (which made me forget my to-go box from lunch containing a tasty sandwich from my favorite pizza joint that I had planned on eating as a late night snack tonight...you see that, bitterness will leave you HUNGRY!) I had to tell myself, "Alright girl, get it together!". Positive reinforcement after positive reinforcement began to come out of my mouth replacing the negativity that was trying to find a home. It only takes one word...one misunderstood tone...one comment...to get us on a downward spiral to no where and it seems to take 10 times as many to pick ourselves back up.

I am choosing to remain in this uncomfortable friendship for a purpose. It is most definitely a test; like sandpaper on my soul smoothing away the rough and unnecessary edges of my pride and ego. Today, I decided that I would use the opportunity given through our interactions to build in a positive way. I saw the picture of a foundation (Love) and bricks being placed upon it. Each brick represented a moment in time equaling weeks, months and years. I have the power and choice to build with either good or bad, lovely or unlovely, positive or negative. Every interaction is an opportunity and a gift. each brick is a chance to place love on top of love, one moment at a time. Not because it feels good or that I want to (because there are times I want to walk away). But the reason is far greater than my own wants and desires. There is a greater purpose to be played out through all of this. A greater purpose indeed.


G