This morning I invited a friend over for breakfast. We enjoyed waffles, eggs and good conversation. This particular friend was someone I dated briefly about a year and a half ago. Our dating experience didn't progress into much and we have remained friends ever since. Which is a good thing because this business of hating your ex is ludicrous to me. It requires much energy to be bitter and unforgiving and my exes are way to cute to be mad at! Seriously though, I would rather spend my energy on forgiveness and rebuilding a friendship than keying some one's car. Anyways, back to the breakfast. Even though we remained friends he was one of those guys I kept a question mark next to in my mind. I've wanted to know if anything could progress between us. So one day I asked him. (I know you tremble at the thought of even mentioning to the object of your affection your attraction but it's actually quite liberating). He told me that at this time in his life he wasn't in "relationship mode" and if he pursued anything further than a friendship he would probably f%*k it up. I accepted his honesty and moved on. Well, my mind moved on but my body couldn't get past his hotness. Breakfast this morning revealed his mutual attraction to me and the water was tested. What I discovered was that I was more interested in keeping him as my friend than turning him into a "friend with benefits".( Of course my hormones wanted to choke me for turning down someone who's level of "sexy" is a 10...I'm not kidding he's like freakin' 20!!) Even as I sit here now I'm thinking, "Are you sure? You can call him RIGHT NOW!" As tempting as that is, and believe me it is, I just can't get past that inner voice telling me not to pursue it. Because in the end that's all it would be:sex. I would rather have a lifetime of lasting memories than a short period of time we rolled in between the sheets. Call me old fashion but I'm just cut from a different cloth.
So today I learned that (1) I always have a choice, (2) I actually can exercise self-control if I want to and (3) I'm thinking about the after effects of my choices much more that I realized. This situation truly tested me because I have been attracted to this individual for a long time. But what matters to me most has outweighed temporary satisfaction and I find that to be a sign of growth.
Living Authentically,
G
As I read your blog, my mind takes me back six years ago when my life changed forever. As you explained your deep attraction about your breakfast companion. I can remember looking upon her for the first time, I remember how I felt, I remember the beat of my heart, I remember the palms of my hands sweating as I became nervous and tripped over my words. You said, he was a 20, my goodness she was double that. She was fine, beautiful, gorgeous, everything that I wanted and more. She was saved a Godly fearing woman and more. We soon began to date, and soon dating turned in to love, but soon after, she decided to run. I pursued her, and my efforts paid off. Soon the lust of the eyes turned to lust of the flesh. For that one moment in time, I knew I should not have, but the desire of my human emotions had taken over. She became a mother and I became a father.
ReplyDeleteThe love was never there on her part as I soon found out but like you I care about her as you did him. Sex turned into a child, which turned into six years of pure HELL. Now my new season is upon me and I as well realize that I have choices in my life. As I look back, I always knew she was not the one, but the heart is deceiving and LOVE is LOVE. I had a choice, but I made a wrong one. You made a good choice not to have sex with your ex. Why settle with someone that does not give you what you need (not sex). I don’t believe that a past relationship can never come around a second time, however I do believe that if it didn’t work out once then maybe it’s a good reason why. Or maybe God was/is protecting you from someone.
As I embark on my new journal, the trials and tribulations are sure to come. The hardest aspect of my new life is living it alone. Anyone can I have someone, but not everyone has that special one. The bible speaks of a sex as a burning desire in II Corinthians. Sex is a misguided emotion that plays tricks on the mind and the heart.