(At Madcap Coffee Company, downtown Grand rapids...looking out of the window...a spectacular fall afternoon)
Now that I have publically expressed my views on the pressures of society concerning how we ought to behave in relationships, love, marriage,work etc. I thought why not examine and express how I feel about living as a single Christian woman…I mean reeeeally examine it. For years I have tinkered around with the idea of intentionally remaining single. I can remember a conversation with my mom in my very early 20’s, when she expressed that I shouldn’t ignore the feeling inside me that doesn’t want to marry. Recently she told me that if I decide to marry she will be happy but if I decide not to she will be happy as well. I don’t think I was mistaken to notice emphasis in her voice on the latter.
When I think about my life, where it is and where I am going, I’m constantly questioning the position and role of a husband. I believe in marriage and have wonderful examples in my life of great marriage relationships (and not so great ones too). I am a firm believer in the covenant agreement between a husband, a wife and our Creator within the context of marriage. I don’t question whether or not it is possible to be with one person, if I can commit and be content or if I fear losing my identity and voice. None of this is true for me. What I question, what lies in the core of my being, is not do I want to be married but will a marriage relationship allow God to accomplish through two people what could not be done through one? In my opinion, marriage should have a purpose. Love simply isn’t enough for me to commit my entire existence to another flawed human being. Are there things that God wants to accomplish through my life that can only be done through a marriage? If so then I can accept the call. However, if I am able to complete the work set before me surrounded, supported and uplifted by my community (family, close friends, etc) as a single woman serving God then I accept that call as well. Either way it is a win-win situation but personally, at this time in my life, I'm leaning toward the latter.
I don’t doubt the omnipotence of God, whether or not He needs me to accomplish any of his purposes. God could choose a rock to accomplish all he needs if he so decided. But He loves me enough to entrust me with gifts to reach others for his glory and to imprint his message on the hearts of his children. Within that design, I have a choice. There are no robots in the kingdom of God and Christianity is not a passive practice. There is power within my choice. With that being said I can (a) moan and cry about being single and read every “lady in waiting” book I can find (which I loathe by the way…what the heck am I waiting for? Am I not complete in Christ NOW?! ) or (b) leverage the asset of being single at this time of my life to fully devote my attention to what God has arranged for me. The final option would be to be completely indifferent about the whole matter and avoid all responsibility about making any decision. At some point I have to come to grips with how I really feel, embrace it and give it room to grow. If not now, when?
So, I embark on a journey that will take me...well, I have no idea where it will take me. What I know and what I have peace in is moving forward in a direction that has pounded in my heart for years. However I end up, single or married, will be my choice and God's design and not driven by the small minded, cookie cutter mentality of society. The important thing is to remember that life is happening now! It doesn't start when I meet my "prince" or start making a ton of money; when I finally travel to another country or sell my first $10,000 piece of art (which will happen by the way...). Life is moving, breathing, and flowing all around me, singing its song of beauty and redemption with every rising sun. "Waiting is a verb" as my good friend Sharon says and I plan on living with a lot more purpose these days.
